#but im so scared its not gonna fail and im gonna lose everything
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theclosetedskeleton · 1 year ago
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just started twitching out of nowhere what the fuck
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saeshiraw · 1 year ago
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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dizzybizz · 8 months ago
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rahghhh ok hi 👋 farmer ramble time
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this is my meanie nyx he kinda sucks 😚 he has a scary face and cold demeanor (ive been wanting a mean farmer for a while.. remy was originally supposed to be a scary guy but i poured too much autism awkward and scared swag into him whoops) he lowkey gives sickly vampire whos also sick of everything.
i always interact with the trash cans when i walk past them, right, n i decided that instead of rummaging through them. nyx just. kicks them. hes a petty pathetic fucker ok.
he's gonna have so many dinosaurs one day. his second one is on the way atm. man fished up a dino egg n his whole life shifted trajectory. his first dino is named neo btw. he has a black cat named nyponsoppa n a horse named laurel. he got another pet bowl set up but then choked at the price of actually getting another one.
he nearly cried at the fair after losing a lot of tokens to that dumb wheel goddammit. he nearly stayed a few extra hours to see how many tokens he could get and to glare at the guy running the stall, if you can even call it that. he did win the grange display but he gambled and lost all those tokens.....
my plan for the future is to get krobus to move in,,,,, and for the two of them to have many dinos.
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jj is another silly little guy farmer but hes an actual clown. i think he might be a failed comedian or smth. hes from a co op farm with @deathianartworks n @witchkittymeow. n boy is every person on that farm . incompetent. <3 theyre a trio of three short gays with some anger issues and zero braincells and names all starting with j. so much stupid shit goes on there, im concerned for the animals tbch.
he has stolen a lot of decorations from his fellow farmers. and he will continue. his collection of borrowed goods include: two decorative bowls, a window and a painting.
he doesnt trust the tv and its fortunes.... "spirits are very happy!! *infested floor in the mines n has to give up bc sword sucks so badddd* (next day) spirits are very happy..!! *infested floor in the mines n has to give up bc sword sucks so badddd* (later that day) digs up a geode from the museum trash can, goes straight up to clint n watches as the clock turns 4pm* he hasnt really been the same since that happened. 😔
and oh uh shit its 1am
pls feel free to send asks n whatnot abt them n my other farmers tho (PLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPSLPLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLS (ilvoe my farmers sm))
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bunnyluvs-blog · 1 year ago
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MONSTER!SKZ X READER
(nsfw)
MINORS DNI !!!!!! u freaks
TAGS-- wearwolf!bangchan, breeding, heat, knots, degrading, vampire!leeknow, forest sex, chasing, cunt eating, minotaur!changbin, size kink, reverse cowgirl, praise?, succubi!hyunjin, degration, mirrow sex, Alien!Jisung, head, pussy drunk, whiney han, Dragon!Felix, hair pulling, cumming on readers face, Ghost!Seungmin, fingering, Zombie!Jeongin, inexperienced jeongin, pleasure dom
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Wearwolf!Chan: rough passionate sex. Lots of marking and biting. But it was always like this. The first time with him being open about being a wearwolf was filled with lots of “are you sure”s and “we dont have to”s until you got so fed up you fucked him yourself. now every time Wearwolf!chan has a heat he has his pretty little partner to go home and destroy.
”yeah fucking love fucking you..goddamn.
my hole my cumdump my pretty little thing. gonna take my knot huh?
yea fucking take my knot..fuckkkk gonna fill you so good n’ make you have my pups right?”
Vampire!Leeknow: Chases you in the woods. You tend to make fun of him and call him “Edward”. So now everytime you do he takes you to the woods and makes you run. Once he finds you he fucks you up against a tree, on the ground, any where he ends up finding his favorite thing to suck dry. Also loves eating you out in the woods and makes it a challenge for you to not scream.
"Awee whats that ? Little slut can't handle it? Too bad.
No no not gonna suck your blood, gonna suck this pussy dry
Dont cry now? You wanted this now take it"
Minotaur!Changbin: Twice your sizes and never fails to make you forget that your hole is just so fucking tight. Sex with him is slow unless his angry. Some human tried to fight him again or "send him back to hell". Comes home after killing humans just to bend over his favorite fuck toy aka you <3. Loves reverse cowgirl. He just adores seeing your tiny hole take his fat cock!
"Shit...there u go baby take my cock.
Such a tight fuck hole oh my god..
Yea? make me fill you up, find that right spot baby"
Succubi!Hyunjin: Showed up once after summoning him and doesnt leave. Fucks you at least twice a day! Another lover of eating you out. Your juices are his meals. Doesnt stop even after your crying and begging for him to. Overstimulated yet still grinding on his fingers. Loves watching the face you make when you cum. Loves it so much in fact he put a mirror right there so you can see just how gorgeous you are with ur eyes rolled back and a loud moan coming out of your mouth
"Look at you darling, so full of my cum
oh dont whine, im not done with you yet slut”
Alien!Jisung: who snatched you off of earth to try to cross the dna between his kind and yours. But fighred out your hole is too good to not keep you around for (also he had a total crush on you). Sloppy messy sex all over his lab. Gets so pussy drunk. Even when he isnt losing his mind over how much he loves your warm tight cunt. He makes you suck on his cock while he researches.
"FUCK mm pussy so good..sucking me in fffuckkk
gonna cum in you gonna cross breedss..youll let me though right, yeaa you fucking will
gonnacumgonnacumgonnqcum"
Dragon!felix: fucks you day in day out, 24/6, nights and weekends. You were the only person not scared of him when he told you the truth. So now he has to show you how greatful he is to have such a perfect human with a perfect everything for him to rearrange. Personally loves it when you give him head without him asking. Lots of hair pulling. Lots of cumming on your pretty little face. Gets needy when you rub the dragon scale necklace he gave you of his scales for your birthday.
"Dont act surprised you rubbed that damn necklace all day
Take my fucking cock fucking take it
awe is my baby cry because their dragon fucks them to good?"
Ghost!Seungmin: Who can only touch the things in your apartment, and you apparently. Loves to surprise you with his fingers burried deep inside you when you come home from work. Says its to help you relax. His long skinny fingers reaching places you could never touch withojt his help. Makes fun of you for it. Spits in your mouth when you whine a little too loud for his liking.
"Welcome home baby, just relax, gonna mame you feel good
Eyes on me slut, god you go all dumb as soon as i touch you
So loud..maybe i have to find something to fill your mouth"
Zombie!Jeongin: who accidentally came back from the dead after you tried to bring your cat back. Looks completely normal, Just a little slow. Has to lean how to fuck you since he died without ever having a partner. Does whatever you tell him to do without asking. Wants to be your good little pet so badly. Cant cum so makes it up to you by making you cum as much as you want
"Is this right? Just wanna make you feel good
Your clenching on me..is that good?
Just one more time please? I pinky promise"
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easy-revenge · 2 years ago
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Imagine Aki randomly finding things Himeno left behind at his place while cleaning or doing laundry. A tank top in his laundry. Her book she never finished reading. Her lighter she kept misplacing. Her shampoo he always loved the smell of. He keeps all of these things in a shoebox and he wishes he could find a photo of her. He's so scared of forgetting her face, even though he knows that can't possibly happen. Haha. I'm fine.
i was gonna answer these in chronological order since I've fallen off the face of the earth but i got this ask yesterday and i haven't stopped thinking about it......
criminal line of thinking. right up my alley.
i reposted fujimoto talking about her the other day which this post is a reference to and amidst all the love and respect his words about himeno conveyed, that line stuck with me.
it's so real of him to say that himeno leaves things of hers in aki's apartment. the follow up about her leaving little parts of herself in ppl's lives? not ready to talk about that yet, it's such a himeno thing and if sb doesn't say this about me after im dead i might as well not have lived /hj
anyways back to this. time to talk about grief again. oof. aki is such the type to be so quiet about it. he'd have such a personal grieving process.
him doing his errants at the crack of dawn and finding himeno's tank top in his laundry, briefly wondering if it belongs to power but knowing better. the way he'd stay very still for a moment, gripping the soft fabric a little too hard, knowing he washed every last bit of himeno off of it already. all but his memory of her wearing it, gone.
he'd definitely keep the things in a shoe box in a secluded place in his room. mostly to keep them safe from denji and power. somewhere inside also knowing that not seeing them around all the time will eventually help him heal. if he even has enough time left for that.
i imagine even after safely collecting everything and tucking it away, he'd still be reminded of her often. power sitting crosslegged on the balcony's chair just like himeno used to do. denji crouching in front of the fridge to inspect its contents, elbows on his knees.
every time, aki would lose his train of thought, stay still, stare for a moment, then seemingly snap out of it.
he does worry about forgetting her. not just her face. her voice, the way she would sing-song every sentence when she was tipsy, her easy smile, the blush on her cheeks. her touch, her casual affection, her long, knowing looks.
even the small things. the way she would hold a cigarette and refuse to dab the ash off until it was basically hanging off of it and threatening to burn any piece of clothing or paperwork around to cinders. her satisfied sigh after the first sip of cold beer.
the way she'd let her guard down around him sometimes, when they would sit in silence for a long time, her face muscles relaxing and her gaze getting more vacant. it'd remind aki of the himeno he met at the cemetery. selfish and honest and lonely. it never failed to bring tears to aki's eyes. he was always quick to cry.
it gets worse the more time goes by. he thinks about her less. his own life a slippery thing in his hands and his goals staying unachieved and unachievable.
it feels like even more of a betrayal when he asks to be off the gun devil mission. knowing he'd go private without a second thought now if it meant securing a normal, safe life for power and denji. knowing he could've had this with himeno if he'd only said yes back then. he'd be spared so much loss. he'd be spared from loving more people who were just as disposable and temporary as him.
yet he can't bring himself to regret any of it.
the shoe box collects dust in his room and aki keeps his fingers loose around his feeble, unimportant life and his heart open till the end.
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gokartkid · 2 years ago
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If you're still doing the headcanons!
Uni frat bro maxiel
Thanks!! And love everything you give us to read 💕
sorry i literally dont know anything about frats 😭 so im just making this about uni halls lol which i DO know!
daniel (in second year) is max's floor RA-- max (first year) gets a stupid hopeless crush on him during o-week like, immediately cause-- he's funny! hes cool! he actually cares about all of them but in a cool "yeah ik you guys are gonna drink in ur rooms but literally tell me and be safe and u can do whatever. you know when you will get in trouble? if someone passes out and pukes and nobody comes and gets me."
max staying out in the common study space for fucking forever writing his essays and finishing his assignments and daniel coming out to sit with him even though HES got classes in the morning too and max is expecting him to say "go the fuck to bed" but instead hes like hey can i take a look at what ur doing i think i took this class in first year too, also do you wanna get uber eats?
max doesn't go home for the holidays because the flights cost a horrific amount, and most of the other ppl all do so its weirdly quiet during the sem break-- just him, a couple other international students and... daniel, still! even though max is 99% sure he COULD go home. they hang out a lot, at the meal times and daniel knocks on his door and is like hey im gonna watch a movie out in the common wanna come? and its always something stupid like an adam sandler movie but daniels fascinated by the way that max has never even HEARD of these movies every single time-- he makes it his mission to get max to see as many stupid movies as physically possible
max is like, crazy smart but ALSO crazy hard on himself and he has one of those, first-year-of-university-used-to-be-really-great-in-high-school moments where he freaks over a kind of bad grade, but its just that 'the tutor didn't give me any instructions and of course i emailed the professor but then he said all i need is the question and i didn't want to be a bother but--" and daniels like hey! dude! you are doing so well. also i like, failed papers and im fine, you will be too, and you can always make it up because its what, 10% of ur grade? ur fine!
they dont hook up until max moves out of halls in second year into flatting with his friends-- he's kind of scared they're gonna lose touch entirely but it turns out daniels taking one of the same papers as him that next semester and they of course sit together and max thought he maybe got over his crush over the summer of not-seeing-daniel but as soon as they start chatting again its back in FULL FORCE! and they get lunch together after and go to the library to study and are so joined at the hip and-- and hes like oh god im going to of make this so awkward and i bet of course he doesn't even like me because he thinks im a weirdo that he just had to look after in halls but-- then a few weeks in daniel is like hey. actually wanna get drinks sometime? (date?) anddd. yeah!
send me an au and ill give you headcanons!
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em0-alpaca · 1 year ago
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small positive rant:
im extremely happy to have my boyfriend.
i mean, not that im so old and i havent been in too serious relationships [i was young and a hopeless romantic so all of them were doomed to fail] but i never thought id get to experience what a real relationship is.
to be honest, ive never been and to this day im still not the best one when it comes to this [even with being in one for over two years] and god, with how anxiety can screw up someones point of view, this couldve end up the same like any other one i had.
i feel like i finally have motivation to actually work on myself, im already 20 and im scared to do basic things and it puts me down so much, my mind gets to very.. ridiculous thoughts. and i know that without any help i wont be able to do anything so i need to finally accept it.
and i cannot be more grateful for this man to be in my life and seeing how everything changed has opened my eyes more.. and i have never felt more secure with someone before so this is truly a big change for me.
the anxiety will stay for soo damn long and its gonna take me forever to get rid off certain thoughts but ill do my best to just make them minimal, for mine and his sake.
with that being said, ill try to get back on the grind and practice few things in terms of art and MAYBE try new things so i can finally be happy with what i create and try to find more interests [thinking on catching up with entomology and astrology, these things live in my head rent free]. so expect some work coming up after im done with school or on a winter break, hopefully i wont lose any motivation after i pick up my stylus lol
thank you all coming to my ted talk and sorry for bombing your fyp with a small text wall 👍
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regularbeans · 2 years ago
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okay i gotta say my shit cause im a little tlou freak and nobody around me is This freak about tlou so here i go shouting into the abyss
so this is just my interpretation but i thought that ellie and joel were kind of warming up to each other "too fast" in the show. like sure they had their moments in the game up until they met tommy but it was really there where joel committed to ellie in the game.
so in the show, to me he gets close to her way too fast. and it was weird to me cause i was like, you know, if he ditches ellie the way he ditches her in the game then itd be quite the 180 for joel. like what can possibly happen to make him pull back in that way AND make it believable. and i thought it was gonna be henry and sam and in some way it was but also in other ways it wasnt JUST that.
and thats why im glad they gave joel that monologue cause i can already hear people say it was boring and they did the single tear of manly pain, which, sure. but also it was well supported by everything that happened beforehand AND it made that moment later in the game so goddamn effective.
like joel is way more committed to tommy in the show, like he's already actively looking for him from the start, where in the game they just sumble into him because theyre heading in the general area of where he or his group might be, on tess' hunch.
finding him clearly affects him more here too and it was also supported by the way tommy relied on him so much at the start. so once tommy was gone who was joel anymore. who is he if not a protector? like he needed tommy so he can protect him (when, of course, he doesnt really need protecting anymore)
so he's way more emotionally outward while of course he guards himself and all that but theres more than just one chink in the armour here.
so thats why its good that they did the joel not hearing the guy attack him, henry and sam, freezing when ellie was in danger, being old, tess being the head of the operation, all that stuff because this way joel wants to ditch ellie because yes, he wants to guard himself from getting close to someone else he can lose but he mainly does it to protect ellie because he literally doesnt trust himself to protect ellie in any other way than by leaving her.
in the game saying that she'd be better off with tommy is just a crappy excuse he throws out so he doesnt have to admit that he's scared of getting close to her, but in the show it might actually be true that she'd be safer with tommy. but in the end he lets it be ellie's choice and she of course chooses joel without any hesitation.
in the game ellie commits to joel when henry ditches them before reaching the bridge, then joel commits to ellie at the ranch. here joel is like okay if she chooses me then i choose her. like i choose to let down my guard, i choose to be the protector i didnt think i could be anymore but the protector she so desperately needs.
and of course they choose each other.
its nice
10/10 would cry again
also joel being like im not strong anymore i cant do it i keep failing is just like. yeah it accentuates it more, what he ends up doing later.
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violettierre · 2 years ago
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If you're my mutual or we've interacted before please read this,
So to save your time im going on a hiatus.
And here's some elaboration;
Tumblr have never failed to put a smile on my face it's a fun website to visit and i've always enjoyed the content made here, and most of all, enjoyed interacting with poeple that have always been very kind and sweet and some even consider me a friend which is a far bigger deal to me than one may think because of personal reasons and i really mean it when i say Tumblr never fail to make my day with those silly posts and inside jokes that may mean nothing, overall, it's my go-to place to relax from my noisy life and be my questionable silly little inner violetta that im thankful no one really judged, and it was a breath of fresh air when i signed in here. I've treated my account, like most poeple, as my account where i talked about stuff i enjoyed and my opinions in things, ect... but if you are my mutual i feel like you did notice sometimes i slip and im no longer enjoying my inner self like i usually do, which is common. It does happen to lots of poeple where real life issues just hit too hard for them to enjoy their distractions they used as coping mechanism to keep themselves sane just like i do that's why no one really judges that from what i concluded in my experience. However, as many times as everyone thankfully ignore that, those moments still bother me every time cuz it's never been about other users noticing, it's never been anything outside of personal. Like i said before, this is my prefered go-to comfort space that i open to rest from real life issues and the effects it had on me, and the interference that accure between them never fail to make my health worse, and so i don't go to details, this place simply start to lose its charm for me because it began losing the one thing i personally associated it with. Which is why as far as i believe, it'll be better to take a pause from being active here. Because sometimes the stuff that help us get through things that hurts, shouldn't be exposed to it, and the less harmful option is to hide it so we can go back to it when we're desperate for comfort instead of losing it completely.
Naturally, I have no idea how long i'll be on a hiatus for, it may take months, or maybe a year, who knows, even if i wish for it to be sooner than later, it's something that happen undecided, but it may most likely last at least until my personal crisis calms down and im a little more stable and ready to use once again that one violet that i admit i've mistreated as well, because in order to stop my stress and mental health from sneaking into my safe space i must face it and deal with it, which im really scared of, but that's pretty much what is left to do. Things that go our way aren't necessarily our ideal solutions.
It's a silly little hiatus for most poeple, but behind it, im going to a metaphorical war and im scared that's why im writing this long useless elaboration post before getting a pause from all my social media not just tumblr and try to look after myself in a way i've been running away from.
And if you're reading this as my moot or we've interacted, i do hope you understand this and mostly hope that everything will stay good between us once i come back sooner or later, it's already gonna be awkward for me to do anything i like again after im basically right now going to ditch my self care, so i just want you to keep in mind i do not want to lose you or anyone in here and we could remain in good terms.
And happy new year from now, since i won't be able to celebrate it here. I wish everyone on tumblr a healthy and lucky new year lifestyle starting or continuing from 2023 and fortune will follow everyone everywhere. And merry Christmas to all who celebrate, and whatever other holiday i won't celebrate in here, im sending all my love throughout those times and all time, thanks to everyone for everything and hopefully i get to interact with you guys later on.
With all my geniune love, Violetta.
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chronicvagabonds · 4 months ago
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nothing better than a yumi fic dropping when i should be productive during exam season 😔 i gotta admit space, sci-fi and most of similar subgenres that fall under those categories are not at all media of my preference but ☝️ this was a very pleasant read, i never doubted you 🥰 & i especially love and enjoy seeing you branch out into writing genres out of your comfort zone/ones you haven't done yet 🩷
also "just die bro, it's not that hard" is so funny knowing the ending now
[spoilers ahead]
'coachella yun cameos' deserves its own warning, you're so real
my heart is breaking picturing wooyoung drifting in space, all by himself, his singing voice echoing off the ship walls.. ouch, but him putting up a tough front at first and acting cheeky when they first "arrest" him even though he's been waiting for another living being to appear
“Can I ask you something? Do you only read the memories or are you able to feel the emotions or feelings associated with the memory too?” THIS WHOLE MOMENT MADE ME HOLD MY BREATH SKJS
reader: *uses their extendtacles to play fruit ninja with the guards* wooyoung: should i feel scared or aroused? rawr. i apologize. ☝️🤓
STOP KSLJ NOT YEOSANG AND JONGHO WATCHING THEM IN SECRET LIKE PROUD PARENTS KSKSLK IM GONNA CRY
"You’re the evidence I was trying to find, and… I’d rather keep you all to myself.” hehehekekkehehhehhehehe 😌
wooyoung all wrapped up in pretty silver branches.. i-.. 🫠🫠🫠
“What are you thinking?” “I’m thinking you’re too close,” you muttered, pushing him back but he only pulled you closer which induced a startled gasp from you.  IM PUNCHING MY WALLS AAAA JUNG WOOYOUNG YOU TEASE
wooyoung from the future crashing into reader's ship, of course
“I thought you understood by now that home is where the heart is, where’s your heart, y/n?”.. Home was where the heart was. And as long as you had the pieces of your heart next to you, you would be home. *sends hefty therapy bill*
Star 1116's dogs being spiky rather than furry and all i can think of is them being giant hedgehogs lmao
“And what are you doing here with my daughter?” “She arrested me, sir.” BAHHAHAHAHAHHEEELP 😭😭 shifting blame immediately
that kiss was magnificent holy cheeks, as if the celestial space wrapped around to give them privacy - actually breathtaking 😮‍💨
There’s a person that I want to sing a love song for Looking at the stars in the night sky Memories come back from Star 1117 by ATEEZ
thinking about that moment when wooyoung sang a song to the crew and reader couldn't stop thinking about it, how it continued to resonate in their mind and how enchanting it felt to them, talking with wooyoung about their memories while stargazing 🥺
Maybe I lose some memories But you’ve always been the light to me from Star 1117 by ATEEZ
how wooyoung "lost his memory" because of the time loop and not knowing about their previous timelines together until he asked Star 1117 on his journey to look for the people that were after all reader and their crew, love when everything clicks in place
speaking of Star 1117: LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! 😭
trying to understand it was difficult at first but the more bits and pieces it revealed, the more things started to make sense. i genuinely took a break and just thought of the possible existence of a being that is destined to live a certain amount of lifes and though has others trying to "rescue" them from their destiny has to watch them fail miserably on loop. and the amount of sorrow and pain that has grown over every lifetime as if it had allowed itself to be swept away by hope just to have their possibilities shattered. can one really make peace with inevitable fate?
intended or not, i love to see a possible relation between the reader and Star 1117 in that the star is the Original Nexi and calls them its "descendants", it doesn't deny that the nexi are its children and that it cares about them, but after witnessing every possible ending (aka apocalypse) it'd rather fulfill its destiny than continue witnessing the universe and all its inhabitants, stars and matter turn into void. Star 1117 pleads for reader to not save them, not make the same selfish mistake again and to choose to save themselves. followed by reader vehemently refusing to listen to Star 1117's request because they want to save what matters to them (their home, family, world) but also.. Star 1117 itself. it really enforced to me the idea that they are indeed "carved from the same bone" but in this case more so born from the same star, they both wish upon the stars to save each other but only one can
"I feel terrible, like there's a weight on my chest."  "A heart's a heavy burden." from Howl's Moving Castle
god, like every single time we got a little glimpse at reader's struggles with accepting their human side, their human heart of all things, my brain couldn't stop quoting HMC
really felt like crumpling up like a piece of paper when reader shut themselves in their room after the confrontation with Star 1117, the revelation that they had used their powers to read Star 1117's light and had to keep together the onslaught of despair and darkness that consumed the Original Nexi despite emitting such a warm light externally
the growth from rejecting their human heart, despising any and every reminder that they are partially human to meeting wooyoung, one of the people probably most in sync with their emotional side and reader having no means of escape from him, having to confront their feelings and how much they can have a grasp over them to reaching a point at the end when they don't mind their human side all that much, seeing the good sides of it and uuuugh i cry
everytime i start these comments, i fully believe beforehand that i won't be able to write anything worth mentioning down - and then suddenly every possible thought, feeling and idea just bubbles out of me like a fountain lmao
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Star 1117
human!wooyoung x alienoid!reader
space apocalypse au
genres and warnings: fluff, angst, slow burn, bittersweet i hope, bits of hurt/comfort, alien yeosang and human jongho scs, coachella yun cameos, violence warnings
wc: 26k
synopsis: on your mission to save your home star 1116, and to find the last planet in the temporal nexus galaxy called star 1117, you arrest the human from earth- jung wooyoung. you find that he's been receiving cryptic messages from your galaxy, ones that make you question your purpose. together, you uncover secrets and take big risks to find the truth about the galaxy and star 1117's existence while wooyoung teaches you the true meaning of 'home'.
manager-nim: @eightmakesonebraincell ("or just die bro" "yeah it's not that hard" - famous last words from loren and yumi) (disclaimer: ^said in the context of the fic)
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Home is not where the heart is.
You’ve always thought that it was a very human thing to think of the ‘heart’ as anything but the organ that it was. The heart’s only function was supposed to be to pump blood into your body and keep you running. But often, it was romanticised as a repository that stored human emotions in all their hideous glory. That was human nature in its nutshell which eventually doomed your forefathers, resulting in a bitterness that etched itself on the strands of their genes of which you carried generations worth of despite your half-human nature. 
The bitterness was justifiable. Your great-grandfather did not know that when he left his home, the planet Earth, he would get lost in the endless expanse of space and never find his way back. You often wondered if the humans ever even looked for him but you wouldn’t be surprised if they hadn’t. Somehow, he ended up receiving help from the Nexi and ended up on a planet just like his homeland and died trying to find his way back.
It was him who introduced that saying- home is where the heart is. You often read his journals and found it strange how he described everything that was close to his heart- the family he had left behind, a ‘cat’ which was supposed to be some strange, harmless feline creature that often dwelled in the homes with humans, and a lot of other things that made little to no sense but often sparked curiosity in you. He had left his heart back on the planet Earth and he died trying to find his way back. Perhaps, his home was where his heart was. But to you…
Home was Star 1116, the land where your parents gave birth to you and the land where they were never accepted. The planet that resembled the Earth that had been their home had their forefathers never left in search of finding something similar. Home was the land that had raised you with its magnificent, tall, iridescent mountains and deep, dark valleys that glowed from within when it met the golden gleaming soil that lit up your planet. Home was a location- the place where you took your first steps and found out what it meant to be half human- dangerous yet protected. Home was the place they told you to leave because they were scared of what you could do, even though you looked just like them. You had a human heart, which was an insult, not a compliment, even though your father insisted that it was the latter.
Your heart was inside your body. Your home was tem-nex units away, so far that you could not even see it anymore. Your home was not where your heart was.
“Any more reminiscing and you will find that you can blast lasers through your eyes too.”
“Yeah. I’m getting tired of her sighing. It sounds awful,” Yeosang said but you ignored him, shooting a glare at Jongho who shielded himself as if you really were going to blast lasers from your eyes.
“You’ll be the first to know if I do,” you told him, tossing your grandfather’s drawing of his cat on the desk where it landed between a pile of journals. “Any update on our target’s location?”
“Just a few tem-nex units away now,” Jongho said, adjusting his vision glasses. “Wanna place bets? I have a feeling it’s one of our old human friends in a dusty old spaceship running away from the Nexi.”
“I have a feeling that it’s just a poor rock and our systems need a big software update,” Yeosang sounded tired even though all he had done recently was lay limp on his couch. 
“I’m with Yeosang on this one,” you went towards him and he raised his hand to share a fistbump but you just pulled him up, earning a startled yelp from him. “Go check the exhaust outlets and our guns. If it’s a rock we need ammo to blast it. And I’m tired of hearing your tired voice when all you’ve done is rot the last few days.”
“Nothing’s fun anymore,” Yeosang pouted, collecting himself. “Our exhaust outlets are fine, our ammo is all loaded. We still have no clue about Star 1117’s location or purpose. I’m just making the same old mandatory assessments and I’ll come back right here and lie down just like before-”
Your pupils must have contracted in warning because he raised his hands in surrender before scurrying off. Jongho’s low giggles echoed in the control room and you took your seat back, sharing a grin with the human. It was always fun to bully the oldest in the room, especially to Jongho who was the youngest and the only human aboard.
You were both in the middle of checking if all the buttons on the panel of your rather old spaceship were working, with you making a few quick repairs, when Yeosang’s hasty footsteps caught your attention. He took a few deep breaths before he knocked on the metal wall to get Jongho’s attention.
“Is our radar not working?”
“It is,” Jongho confirmed, “What’s wrong?”
“I can spot a spaceship not far from our current location- unidentified,” Yeosang said and Jongho frowned, checking the radar. He looked at you and you touched the panel, allowing the silver, branch-like neurons to extend from your fingertips and read the device, trying to assess any damage but detecting none. 
“Radar’s fine. Are you telling us that it might be an unregistered spaceship?” You asked. 
All the spaceships in your galaxy, the Temporal Nexus, were supposed to bear a location tracking device and if in the rare instance that a spaceship did not have one, it was never a good sign.
“Come, check it out,” Yeosang urged and the two of you uncertainly got up, following him towards the back of your ship to the window. Indeed, you could spot the outline of a rusty old spaceship in the distance and Jongho lent you his glasses so you could zoom in and take a closer look.
It was definitely not a Nexi spaceship, yet it was in Nexi territory, far from where humans had ever dared to roam. The only time humans had attempted to cross over was how your great grandfather made it to Star 1116, which led to a lot of complications with the planet Earth and its humans and eventually, the Temporal Nexus Accords were penned. The crux of it was that both Nexi and humans would follow these rules and regulations for harmony in space- harmony was a funny way to put it when the humans knew that they could easily be outmatched. 
“It can’t be a human, right?” Yeosang asked, his glinting silver eyes indicating that he felt threatened. “It must be someone fooling around. Should we take a look or let it go?”
“It’s still an unidentified spaceship,” you reminded him. “We’re literally space patrol, Yeosang. We can’t let it go.”
“You know it was just an excuse to kick us out of Star 1116 because we were snooping around,” Jongho scoffed and you rolled your eyes- somehow, you were still more butthurt about it than the human himself. “But yes, we should take a look.”
“Alright, steer closer. Yeosang- you and me, dome, now. Get the guns.”
While Yeosang went to the storage, you hurried behind Jongho back towards the control room and pressed the button at the far end to get access to the ladder that led you to the observation dome. You made room for Yeosang and Jongho passed you binoculars. Crouching on all fours, you narrowed your eyes in focus as you peeked through the lens, muttering curses when you found how tinted the viewscreen was. There were human alphabets inscribed on the spaceship which confirmed your suspicions.
“Anything ring a bell?” Yeosang asked as he crouched down next to you, taking the binoculars from you. Yeosang was referring to the ships on the watchlist that you had been monitoring for a while now. 
“Nothing. You?”
“I don’t see anyone inside. What are the chances that it’s abandoned?”
“Only one way to find out,” you smirked and Yeosang shook his head. 
As Jongho decreased the speed when your spaceships got closer, you noticed something odd- almost like a few lights flickering inside the spaceship from what you could grasp, considering the heavily tinted viewscreen. You wondered what that was for. Yeosang warned Jongho to take care of the oxygen levels as he pressed the button on the glass dome, opening it and activating the manual shield just in time-
You got your answer in the form of a rocket colliding with your spaceship which rattled you despite the shield. You gripped at the shaft tightly, allowing yourself just a moment before joining Yeosang outside and asking him to lift the shield so you could prepare for the offensive. Yeosang passed you the revolver and you wrapped your hand around the hilt, a grim smile starting to spread on your lips as you allowed the neuron extensions from the tip of your nails to grow and slide inside the gun to wrap themselves around the bullets. 
While Yeosang provided cover, shooting any rocket that came in your range, you fired and shut your eyes, waiting for the bullet to hit the exterior. As soon as you felt the collision inside you thanks to the neurons, you let the bullets sink into the spaceship so you could read it.
There was a single human on the spaceship, as young as you. Strangely, the fear factor the human was displaying was less than the aliens you had caught on patrol, which was commendable. Perhaps, the human was a fool and had no idea what he had gotten himself into- you may be half-human but that did not mean you were going to pity the intruder. 
“He’s going to run out of ammo soon,” you opened your eyes, switching your weapon and helping Yeosang, shooting bullet after bullet that disintegrated the man-made ammunition in a mere blink. “I wonder how much he brought to have lasted this long- he’s so far from planet Earth.”
“I guess you’ll ask him soon,” Yeosang fired at the last rocket and snickered. You started making your way towards the ladder, preparing to gain access to the human’s spaceship and making sure to keep your revolver with you. Perhaps, the human would like seeing that in your hand.
When Jongho stopped the ship, you opened the hatch on your spaceship to access the ladder so the two of you could walk across to the other. You started knocking on the entry hatch once you reached the human’s spaceship but you didn’t get a response. You placed your hand on the surface and spoke, making sure your voice would be heard inside the vehicle.
“You can either open and welcome us, or we will welcome you. You won’t like that.”
A few moments later, the hatch opened with a loud shudder, allowing you both inside. You waited until it shut before walking forward, observing your surroundings which weren’t much, just equipment, until you heard a shuffle. 
And then came in front of you a man, a human man who felt as familiar as Jongho whom you had spent all your life with, yet so different. Even though he looked at you with a sort of surprised glare, dark tendrils of his hair covering his furrowed brows, his presence had a warm quality about it and you wondered if it was a human thing- you had definitely felt it with the humans around you. Some of them.
He stood his ground, defenceless and squaring his shoulders with every passing second. “Welcome to my humble abode. I’m Jung Wooyoung, at your service.”
Yeosang raised a brow and looked at you- you were far too busy identifying the possible layers within that delicate voice. Your lips parted as if to say something but you couldn’t produce a single sound at the moment so Yeosang decided to take over.
“What in the stars is a human doing here alone?” His voice boomed in the room as he asked. “You’ve violated just about a handful of the Temporal Nexus Accords. Do you have any idea what that means?”
“Well,” he shrugged. “It’s not like I can go back. I’m wanted on Earth too.”
“And you thought it was a good idea to roam around? You’re almost out of food and you just ran out of ammunition-”
“But it looks like I haven’t run out of luck,” he breathed, collecting himself with a wink in your direction which threw you off. “What do you usually do with people like me?”
“Escort them to the station for judgement.”
“Yikes,” he said. “I have so many questions but I’ll hold back.”
You spotted the nervous shift from one leg to another as he put his hands in the pockets of his black trousers. He was obviously considering all his options which frankly were quite limited. He had just about two choices- get escorted to the station or face execution right here.
“How did you make it so far?” You asked, frowning deeply. “Even the Nexi find it hard to avoid the patrol when they try to reach human territory.”
“Let’s say I possess a special set of skills,” he grinned wickedly. “Stealth, for starters.”
“I don’t quite believe that,” Yeosang commented.
“Well, your ship did not catch mine on radar, did it?” Wooyoung asked and Yeosang confirmed that it hadn’t. “Also, when you’re running from two groups of species, you find that there is no better fuel to reach the victory line than desperation.”
“Why are the humans after you-”
“What do you mean by victory line?” Yeosang asked at the same time and you both exchanged glances- this sure was an odd individual. You urged Yeosang to continue. 
“How far did you want to travel with such limited supplies?”
“Not that limited,” Wooyoung began to argue but you raised a hand in the air, making him raise both his hands in mock surrender. “Alright, I’m doomed anyway. Go ahead. Finish your job.”
“Why are you here, and why are the humans after you?” You asked, stepping towards him. “Answer properly this time.”
“I’m looking for someone.”
“In space?” You looked at Yeosang, knowing that the human wasn’t telling the whole truth. “And so far away from your home?”
“Yes, and I’m not sure if that someone is still… well, alive, in one form or another. But I needed to check a few things for myself,” he said in all seriousness. 
“You’re looking for a human? Did your human get lost in space?” Yeosang asked.
“Not my human,” Wooyoung let out a frustrated sigh. “It’s complicated, but I’m not sure if it’s a human or an alien I’m looking for. Could definitely be one of the humans from the group  that got lost around here a few decades ago- a descendant of them. I don’t think they got ‘lost’, by the way, but maybe that’s just me.”
You licked your lips in thought, trying not to look at the very bewildered Yeosang but you both knew that the humans he was talking about must be your ancestors and the group of them. “What’s it to you, then? Who are you to try to find them?”
“Again, I’m not trying to find them, they must be dead by now, but I’m curious to investigate. I was obviously a fool for taking matters into my own hands, but they didn’t take me seriously, the people back on Earth,” he admitted. “And when I started looking into the matter, they tried to get rid of me. Subtly. But I’ve always been known to possess maniacal qualities, and here we are.”
You grimaced at that, “So you’re an idiot. Yeosang, take him.”
“Wait,” Wooyoung snatched his hand away before Yeosang could grab him. “Let me grab my things.”
“You won’t need them,” you told him. “You should have stayed back on Earth. You might have lived longer.” 
With that, Yeosang strapped the vitals regulator watch on Wooyoung and you started to leave the ship, wanting to go back to the comfort of your own ship as soon as possible.
“You’re a human, aren’t you?” Wooyoung asked and you stopped in your tracks, turning back to meet his eyes as a deadly silence overtook. “He’s an alien, this one, even though he looks human, but you… You must be human.”
“I’m an alien,” you glared at him, the neurons from your fingertips branching like claws to prove your point. “And it would do you good to shut your mouth.”
However, you weren’t sure if your words triggered him or if he just had a mouth on him- was it a human thing? Jongho was talkative but a different type- cracking random jokes.
But this man?
He was getting on your nerves. You had to admit that his lung capacity was admirable considering the long string of sentences he sprouted as soon as he entered your spaceship. You caught a few words- something about a ‘cool’ spaceship, some technical stuff that to your horror, Yeosang was happy to provide his input for, and then something about his own rusty old spaceships and how ‘humans could never’.
“Oh, now that’s a human if I’ve ever seen one,” Wooyoung clapped his hands as soon as he saw Jongho. 
“How can you tell?” Yeosang asked. “I thought I looked like a human too.”
“Nah, you’re too pretty,” Wooyoung waved a hand in dismissal and you blinked. “It’s the sheer… presence of him. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh, I know what you mean,” Jongho started chuckling after he recovered from the initial surprise of seeing a human on board- a human that was not a resident of one of the 1117 planets in this galaxy. 
“I don’t know what you both mean,” Yeosang almost pouted.
“Come closer,” Wooyoung called and you watched in horror as Yeosang obeyed, the three of them huddling close to each other. “This human- the warmth, the smell-”
“You’re telling me you could tell I’m human because I stink like one?”
While your crew burst into giggles, afraid to laugh properly in fear you would react aggressively- which you seldom did but you made sure the fear factor was a constant- Wooyoung started profusely explaining that he didn’t mean it like that but there was something about humans that smelt and felt like home to him. He did not comment on how you had admitted that you were human too. 
“Oh, you humans and your associations with the word home,” you spat, getting morbid flashbacks of the time your father tried to explain how association worked and failed. “Lock him in the cell- he’s too talkative.”
“Hey!” Wooyoung yelled at you but Yeosang reluctantly patted his back, telling him the cell wasn’t that bad, just a room where he could take his final rest before being presented in the station for his execution, which did nothing to help the human. Meanwhile, Jongho started going through Wooyoung’s things and you joined him, finding a few strange food wrappers and pens, a compass that made you smile in awe because it looked very much like the one you possessed, a bundle of notes and folders, an odd device that you set aside for the time being, and then his own journal.
You held the journal in your hands and allowed yourself to look at his memories associated with it, shutting your eyes and watching the images that flashed in your mind-
Grass. More vibrant than the grass on Star 1116, decorated by little colourful flowers that you had always heard of but never seen. The laughter of a woman and the laughter of kids, spreading warmth through your chest. Large bodies of water, as blue as the sky, welcoming you in its cool embrace. 
And then… anger and confusion. Screaming and shouting- your face suddenly felt wet. Were those tears? You hear incoherent yelling and loud thumps of things as they smashed against each other. You felt terror consume every fibre of your being and you felt out of breath- you were running. Soon after followed a sense of dread before guilt consumed you-
“Captain- hey, y/n,” Jongho cautiously shook your arm, bringing you back to reality. “You good?”
You retracted the neurons and set the journal aside, realising your face was wet. “He knows about Star 1116.”
Jongho pursed his lips in thought. “Is that really something we should worry about?”
“He knows our ancestors made it to Star 1116,” you added for clarification. “He mentioned that he didn’t think they got lost in space like everyone claimed they did.”
“Ah… that complicates things, doesn’t it?” 
“Are we sure the station wouldn’t have caught his spaceship on their system?” You asked, moving towards the control panel which was displaying normal readings. 
“What are you thinking?” Yeosang’s voice interjected as he entered the room. 
“I need to have a talk with Wooyoung,” you said, looking at your partners. “He intended to find Star 1116 and the humans living there and collect some evidence regarding them.”
“Well… he’s found them,” Jongho raised his hand. “I think his mission was successful in that case.”
“Half successful, and he might not know that Star 1116 is a habitable planet for humans. He might be thinking you’re from Earth.”
“One way to find out,” you stifled a devilish grin.
“Don’t go all kitty claws on him,” Yeosang warned with a chuckle and you hissed at him- he always used that phrase, having heard your father call you that when you were younger and more reckless with the alien traits that you inherited from your mother. 
You told him that you would not need to do that. He was here on a mission and this was the perfect opportunity to use that to gain a possible ally. You took a closer look at his navigation equipment before going to your room to rest, taking the strange device that looked like a radio with you- you didn’t want the boys seeing you get emotional again-
And talking about emotions- why did the human’s overwhelming feelings cause your heart to clench in pain? Why did it bring tears to your eyes? You didn’t despise human emotions- you thought they were beautiful in their own strange way but never did you think you would be able to relate to them on an intrinsic level. Perhaps, it was the human in you. No matter how much you tried to repress it, it would always remind you that it was a part of you, integrating with your Nexi gene as one.
But you soon found out that there were other forms of emotions that involved tears, and not just the embarrassing ‘crying’ you had almost done earlier.
There were tears rolling down the cheeks of both the human and the alien in your crew as they laughed their lungs out. You had heard a bunch of inhumane noises in your sleep which prompted you to wake up and take a look, but the last thing you expected was-
“Are you having a fucking party here?” You grimaced at the sight of the three boys in a circle with half eaten food in between, noticing a bunch of new dishes that you hadn’t seen in a while, the fragrant scent of it filling your nose and almost calming you. Wooyoung looked at your disgusted expression and only laughed harder.
“This one was supposed to be in the cell,” you pointed at Wooyoung as you looked at Yeosang and Jongho in question. “What is going on?”
“He was complaining about being hungry and when he offered to make us food, we decided to check how good a cook he was,” Jongho answered. “Surprisingly good, turns out. You should have seen him in the kitchen, y/n.”
“Since the station hasn’t sent a message yet, that means they haven’t figured out that we have a human aboard. We could use him as our servant,” Yeosang’s eyes gleamed with mischievous hope.
“That’s what you think of me?” Wooyoung smacked his biceps, looking hurt. “I thought we were friends!”
“No one is becoming friends with anyone here,” you clapped, prompting the boys to start cleaning up. “Don’t make me call the station myself, Jung Wooyoung.”
“Aren’t you a boomer,” he clicked his tongue.
“A boomer?” You asked, wondering what that meant. 
“A true boomer,” Wooyoung grinned, passing you a tray of food he had kept for you. “Basically means you don’t know how to have fun.”
“I’m not here to have fun,” you grimaced at the word and he pressed the tray into your hands before resuming tidying the floor, leaving you standing awkwardly in the middle. Yeosang caught your eye and urged you to sit and try the food and you reluctantly obeyed-
And immediately thought of home.
Home, when your grandfather and grandmother were alive and cooked the human dishes for you- the dishes that they had learned from their parents. You could taste the familiar spices that your grandmother loved in the broth Wooyoung made, the scent immediately transporting you to one of your happier memories when you didn’t have to worry about being an anomaly and could enjoy simple moments with your family. You looked at Jongho who was smiling knowingly- he could definitely understand what you were feeling right now.
“I can’t eat this,” you looked at Jongho.
“It’s okay, Captain,” he chuckled. “It’s just like our grandparents made for us, yeah? Go on, have a taste of the vegetables too.”
You hesitated but reluctantly took a spoonful of the vegetables with rice, a sense of dread washing over you but Yeosang’s hand on your back calmed you and you realised that maybe, the feelings of dread were present because you were scared to accept that there was a human on board who was making you acknowledge the human parts in you through food, of all things. 
That’s what you disliked about being human- that you were so easily swayed.
Wooyoung watched you cautiously from a corner while he absently sweeped the floor with a broom- he hadn’t expected you to react that way and it was surprising to see the group of you interact. If you weren’t fully human, he wondered why you weren’t as hostile towards Jongho as you were to him.
You finished your food before you knew it, and though it annoyed you that Wooyoung was proudly grinning, you decided to give it a rest for now and focus on the more important matters. 
“What is this device?” You placed the black rectangular, almost hollow box on the table and Wooyoung pursed his lips, tossing the broom in the corner and joining your crew on the table. 
“What do you think it is?”
“A broken radio?” You asked, opening its back to show how it had no batteries. “I can’t read it.”
“And what would you mean by that, sweetheart?” Wooyoung asked and once again, you had to repress the anger bubbling in your throat at the term while Jongho and Yeosang shifted uncomfortably in their positions.
“I can read memories and emotions or feelings associated with objects, and I can’t read this,” you clarified for him. “And I want you to tell me why unless you want me to read you.”
“That’s… strange, actually,” Yeosang cocked his head, taking the device from you. “Are you sure you can’t read it?”
“I’m sure,” you confirmed, looking at Wooyoung. “So?”
Wooyoung’s hesitation was palpable. You narrowed your eyes in suspicion. “Don’t even think about lying,” you told him, the neurons protracting from your fingernails making him jump a little.
“Whoa, put your murder mittens away,” Wooyoung shielded himself with his hands raised between you. “You probably can’t read because it’s what it looks like- a broken radio. It has no deeper meaning-”
“Everything has a deeper meaning,” you glared at him. “You wouldn’t bring a broken radio to space, for starters. Have you been getting some sort of a signal?”
When he didn’t answer, you knew what you had to do. You looked at Yeosang who nodded and came in front of Wooyoung. “If you really want to get somewhere with her, you better cooperate.”
“I would, but I don’t know if I can trust her- you guys with the information I have,” he admitted, sounding serious. “I do receive signals sometimes, but they don’t really make sense. I’ve been able to trace them, though, and it looks like they come from around here.”
“An alien sending signals to a human on earth?” Jongho looked at Yeosang. “Doesn’t sound implausible. What for, though?”
“I wouldn’t know,” Wooyoung shrugged. “It’s mostly gibberish- I can’t make sense of it.”
“Did you at least note them down?” Jongho asked.
“Yeah, in a notepad- it should be in my bag,” Wooyoung said, getting up and grabbing his bag from the couch, shuffling through it while you made eye contact with your crew, all three of you as sceptical as the other.
“It’s not here?” Wooyoung looked at you. 
“Everything that belongs to you is in that bag,” you said. 
“We didn’t touch it,” Yeosang said, and the boys raised their hands in surrender.
“Did you drop it?” Wooyoung looked incredulous.
“I’m not that clumsy,” you got up, snatching his bag and looking through it yourself but finding no signs of a notepad. You shot him a dirty look. “You left it behind on purpose, didn’t you?”
“That thing?” Wooyoung pointed his finger outside, the veins on his neck and arms popping out in anger. “It contains everything I worked for. It’s the reason why I risked my life to come here, and you’re telling me that we left it behind because you were in a rush?”
“So it’s my fault now?” You scoffed in disbelief. “You could have mentioned you needed to get your little notepad when we were transporting you!”
“Well, I obviously did not want someone to see the contents of it!” 
“Guys!” Jongho butted between you two, making you both sit down on the couch. “It’s okay. Wooyoung, just allow y/n to look into your head so she can copy everything that was on the notepad here for you. Simple! No biggie!”
“I won’t let her do that,” Wooyoung folded his arms. “That’s invading my privacy.”
“You’re invading our privacy by being here too,” you commented. 
“Then throw me outside,” he simply said and you groaned loudly. Yeosang stifled a smile- he had never seen you so riled up and he made a mental note to thank the human later.
“Please, cooperate,” Yeosang requested gently. “She knows the importance of privacy and will do her best to not snoop around in your mind and only look through the contents of the notes. Right, Captain?”
You nodded. You opened your mouth to add that you couldn’t help it if the person you were reading unintentionally pushed a memory your way but Yeosang knowingly ignored you and continued. “Wooyoung, if we think the message you’ve been receiving is important, we might not deliver you to the station at all. You sound like an excellent navigator and… we kind of need that.”
“We don’t need that-”
“Oh, shut up,” Yeosang waved a hand and you pouted. “You can take your time thinking about it- we don’t have to do that now. But we will have no choice but to report you to the station if we can’t find some common ground.”
“Between death and joining you, there’s not much of a choice here, is there?” Wooyoung asked grimly and you almost felt sorry for the human. “Okay, go ahead. I’ll write what I remember from the notes, but you can help me fill the gaps.”
“Wonderful,” Yeosang clapped. “Let’s scatter now.”
—--------------------------
You had to admit, you felt a little sorry for reacting that way towards the human who, like he had said, really had no choice but to cooperate or face death.
Or perhaps, it was the Wooyoung being human and sneaky and making you feel guilty on purpose. You wouldn’t put past humans to do that- sure, you were the daughter of one and a friend of another, but you had seen your fair share of humans hiding behind the excuse of their ugly nature.
However, your guilt solidified when you found the man diligently scribbling in a new notebook with a jug of coffee by his side. You shook your head at the sight- what was with humans and their addiction to caffeine? But you supposed you couldn’t complain- whatever kept the human running and made your job easier. 
You sensed Wooyoung’s body getting tense when he sensed your presence and you knocked on the door right at that time, pretending you hadn’t been standing there for a solid few minutes. He nodded and you entered, sitting down next to him.
“What are you writing?”
“Anything about navigation that I can recall from the top of my head,” he showed you the notes and you made an impressed face. 
“Are humans on Earth that advanced in space navigation already?”
“As of recently, yes, but not many, and they usually keep it to themselves,” Wooyoung told you. “They’re afraid the government and the space councils will exploit their services.”
“Sounds like our government,” you scoffed.
“I guess we do have something in common then,” he grinned. “I was one of the few who kept my research to myself, but I also made the mistake of snooping around and finding things I shouldn’t have learned.”
“You said something about the group of humans who got lost in space,” you asked, shifting on the couch so you were facing him. “Do you remember their names?”
Wooyoung narrowed his eyes slightly. “Those humans settled on Star 1116. Jongho’s one of them, right? A descendant of them?”
You nodded and he wowed at that, taking a few moments to let that information sink in. “And what about you?”
“I’m one of them too,” you admitted. No harm in him knowing. “My mother is a Nexi, though. My father was the grandson of one of the humans who got lost- but why do you believe they didn’t get lost?”
“I heard the superiors talking about how their spy network failed to achieve results,” he sighed and you felt your heart sink. “The plan was  to pretend to get lost and settle on one of the planets in the Temporal Nexus so they would keep reporting back to Earth with their findings.”
“Did they?” You asked, unconsciously holding your breath.
“I guess they felt welcomed enough that they stopped very soon, and my people never looked for them in fear that their secrets had been exposed. The Temporal Nexus Accords happened right after so the humans on Earth had to pretend they had no knowledge of those humans in space and thought they died.”
You fell silent, staring at the rings on Wooyoung’s fingers while you processed that.
Your great grandfather and great grandmother were spies. If anyone were to find that out now… 
“They must have lived well,” Wooyoung said gently with a smile. “I won’t tell anyone, if you’re worried about that. I’d say Jongho, at least, deserves to know the truth though.”
“Thank you,” you said. “I’ll tell Jongho soon. They lived well, but after they had kids and our grandparents were old enough to have their own, the Nexi started discriminating. It got a little messier afterwards, but we’re still here. Just… kind of outcasted.”
“The Nexi are just like humans then. It’s such a human thing to discriminate among races, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, well, I don’t blame them,” you scoffed. “They will have a field day if they learn that they were right about humans all along.”
“But who’s gonna tell them?” Wooyoung pretended to zip his mouth. You smiled at that and he smiled back. “Did you come to read… me?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” you said and he resigned into the couch. “It won’t hurt.”
“That’s not what I’m worrying about, but okay,” he urged you to start and you raised your palms in the air, letting the neuron extensions protrude from your fingernails. Wooyoung watched in awe as the silver steel-like branches curled around each other in an intricate pattern. 
“I’ll touch your forehead and close my eyes when I read,” you felt the need to tell him. “I will try not to look into your private memories but I can’t control what you send me, and unless you have a good mental fortitude I will only see what you show me.”
“Interesting,” he said, gulping when you scooted forward. You locked eyes with him, finding it almost endearing how his mismatched yet beautiful eyes widened when you gently placed your palms on his temples, letting the neurons extend and entangle with his hair to stick on his scalp.
“Ah… that tickles a bit,” Wooyoung muttered and you stifled a smile. “Do I close my eyes too?”
“You don’t have to,” you answered and shut yours. “Think of your notepad, now. I’ll have a general look before I start noting down.”
“Got it,” he said, shutting his eyes to focus.
You saw the notepad, as clear as day, and the last place he recalled using it was the control room in his spaceship. You relaxed when you realised he had indeed been telling the truth. You then saw the navigational reading and glimpses of incomprehensible messages- incomprehensible to him. 
You were about to draw back but you saw a montage of his memories in the spaceship- you felt the loneliness that he had felt being alone in space for so long- a few months and no human or alien contact. You felt a bit of dread as he wondered if he made a wrong decision leaving the Earth in the manner that he did- stealing information and sneaking past them. You felt his will to live fluctuate when it started to feel like he was on a wild goose chase. 
And then you felt just the briefest moment of acceptance when he noted down how long he had to live with the amount of food he had left on the spaceship. He was mostly relying on supplements but he wasn’t sure how long that would keep him healthy.
Before you could draw back, he pushed one memory in focus- the reason he cooked for all of you tonight. He was grateful to be alive and he needed the food more than you- more for the joy of cooking for himself and for others, for the act of simply eating with company, no matter who it was.
When you opened your eyes, you found that you were just as breathless as him. You didn’t know if he had intentionally pushed that memory into focus but it was enough. 
“Well,” you retracted one hand away, keeping the other at its original position. “Might be a little uncomfortable but we should start writing now. You can help me fill in what I don’t understand, is that okay?”
“Uh, yeah. Sure,” he adjusted himself so the notebook was between you two on the couch now. You rested your elbow against the cushion so it wouldn’t hurt. “Shall we begin?”
It took you about an hour of filling in the gaps but thankfully, Wooyoung had done most of the work. The navigation section was finished soon and then you moved to the messages he received from the radio which you realised were in one of the Nexi codes. It required a series of messages to be arranged in a specific numerical pattern to decode it. Thankfully, Jongho had the right device for it so you intended to let him handle that department.
While writing the notes, you learned about his time at the space centre on Earth. Wooyoung seemed to be a talkative person and you listened to his story about how he and a few other astronauts and space scientists always disagreed with the government which ultimately controlled their operations. Apparently, the humans were always on the lookout for a number of things- a planet like Earth, for starters. The secret to stop ageing or extend the age cycle.
“Why would they want to extend their miserable lives?” You grimaced when you heard that. 
“Sometimes, the little things are enough to want to live a little longer, I suppose,” Wooyoung mused, taking the pen from you and finishing a string of messages for you before handing it back. “There’s a race of you that has an unusual cycle, isn’t that so?”
“The Original Nexi,” you told him. “A few descendants of them still live though they are scattered and stay low. They don’t age like we do- after a certain age, I suppose around sixty, they start ageing backwards. They get to be young again but the fun ends there. They’re back to being babies and then one day, they turn into stardust and scatter in the atmosphere.”
“How poetic,” Wooyoung scratched his chin. “I suppose it has its pros and cons.”
“More cons,” you commented. “No one wants to take care of you by the time you become a baby for the second time.”
“Yeah, I bet that’s a sight,” he snickered, asking you to skip an irrelevant section and you started on the last page. “Look at that. We’re almost done.”
“Thank you for cooperating,” you meant it. “Your navigational skills… they’re quite impressive. I might just have a place for you on this ship. Depends on your behaviour though.”
“You are on your worst behaviour, I want it just like that~” Wooyoung started singing and you smiled- his voice really was pretty. 
“You seem to like that song.”
Silence filled the room and you finished writing the last sentence, shutting the notebook and turning to him, finding him surprised.
“How did you know?”
Oh. You had made a mistake.
“What did you see?” Wooyoung asked again, and this time, involuntarily you saw more memories and you shut your eyes because of the intensity of those memories-
Wooyoung’s voice. He was singing the song in a small room with the lyrics on the screen, loud background music blasting in that space along with the sound of uproarious laughter, the bass of the music in synchronisation with his heartbeat. Bright, colourful kaleidoscopes of lights danced with their bodies, swaying around one another. You felt joy, in its pure and raw form, and then-
You were transported to another memory associated with that song- back in the spaceship as he sang it alone, his voice the only thing echoing off the walls with only the dim white light to accompany him. There was no joy anymore- just yearning for something that was not and might never be.
“Get out of my head, y/n,” Wooyoung gently wrapped his hand around your hand that was still placed on his temple. You opened your eyes in surprise at the contact, blinking a few times to let your vision adjust. His words finally registered inside you and you looked into his eyes.
He wasn’t angry. He simply looked tired and perhaps, he knew exactly what memories you had seen. You retracted the neurons from his scalp and now that it was just your fingers tangled in his hair, you unconsciously caressed the soft strands. He moved your hand away softly, placing it in your lap and looking at the joined hands for just a moment before he pulled away.
“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“I know,” he nodded in understanding. “It’s okay.”
You nodded, realising you were still leaning into him. Taking a deep breath, you picked the notebook and got up.
“The notes will be with Jongho- he can decode the message,” you told him. “You can rest now.”
“Can I ask you something?” Wooyoung looked at you expectantly. You raised a brow and he took that as a sign to continue. “Do you only read the memories or are you able to feel the emotions or feelings associated with the memory too?”
Your silence was enough for him. He nodded in understanding, having gotten his answer.
As you made your way back to your room, you wished you could have told him that this was the first time you felt human emotions in such depth, in such an unfiltered and almost vulnerable way. Such innocent, humane feelings that almost made you forget that alien blood ran through your veins.
—---------------------------
While none of you had officially announced Wooyoung’s position as a navigator in the crew, he seemed to take on that role naturally. He made home in the control room with Jongho and they learned a lot from each other- Jongho about navigation and what it was like to be a human on Earth, and Wooyoung about the Temporal Nexus Galaxy and what it was like to be a human among the Nexi.
However, the more interesting part was how he managed to make Yeosang warm up to him. Yeosang wasn’t one to talk a lot and none of you in the crew were very physically affectionate, yet it seemed like Wooyoung had claimed the man as his target. He was always clinging to him- holding his hand, clutching his arms as he rubbed his cheek against him, casual pats and ruffling of hair (of which Jongho was also a target), hugs of all and every kind, and smooches. What was funnier was how Yeosang claimed to dislike all of that yet you would find him smiling to himself afterwards. 
Whatever it was, Wooyoung had a magnetic personality and everyone’s eyes followed him, as did yours. You were often in your designated corner with your journals and equipment, making calls to the station to send daily reports, sending messages to anyone who would want to hear your theory about Star 1117 and possibly help you in any way while not reporting you to the authorities. It was hard to be in the same room as Wooyoung and not look at him and lean towards him, you were finding. 
It wasn’t that he didn’t try to be as physically affectionate with you as the rest, or not include you in whatever stupid debate they decided to have for the sake of passing time- he was simply hesitant to touch you because he wasn’t sure if you could read him without your neuron extensions- or ‘murder mitten’, as he referred to them. Kitty claws was not the only term thrown around now.
Jongho’s device had successfully decoded the message but you were all waiting for the next signal as there were still missing parts. The radio was kept in the middle of the room so anyone could hear it if it woke up. Meanwhile, you shared your knowledge about Star 1117, the planet that could not be found. 
In the Temporal Nexus Galaxy, there were exactly 1117 stars or planets in the beginning, as marked by the Original Nexi, the first aliens born out of the celestial matter when the galaxy came into being. While the 1117th planet was never located, it was historically and scientifically accurate information that your galaxy had 1117 cycles. Each complete orbit of the planets around the core marked by the presence of a single sun- almost like the sun in the solar system- caused one planet to disintegrate into celestial matter. 
Wooyoung shared his knowledge of your galaxy and you found out that the humans were also aware that the only remaining planets in your galaxy were Star 1116, which was your home, and Star 1117. Star 1117 existed but it could not be located no matter how much the authorities and everyone else tried- there was too much clutter in the galaxy, they claimed. 
All the planets that finished their cycle disintegrated into rocks and stars. Some of the rocks the aliens made habitable when there weren’t enough planets to accommodate them, while some aliens resorted to pods and spaceships as their home. The further you went to explore in the Temporal Nexus, the harder it got to navigate and find your way back which was why a lot of the explorers who tried to locate Star 1117 or its byproduct (in case they were wrong about Star 1117 still being whole) never returned.
You were just discussing the myths surrounding the star while you ate lunch- Wooyoung was also the designated chef now, and you had to admit that part of the reason you were okay with his presence in the spaceship was because of the food he made for you all and not just because you had delayed your decision until you could properly decode the message. 
“I personally think Star 1117 was the first planet to die and our home is actually Star 1 instead of 1116 and they’re all wrong about the number of cycles that has passed. It’s a reverse order,” Yeosang said. “This, or there’s no Star 1117 in the first place.”
“Yeah, the Space Council could have easily modified the data,” Jongho nodded.
“But I read them,” you said, referring to the council members that you had secretly read. “They don’t think that’s true.”
“Maybe they’re made to think that that’s the truth,” Yeosang pointed out and you shrugged.
“Maybe Star 1117 isn’t a planet like your other planets in this galaxy,” Wooyoung added casually while munching on a potato stick. “Maybe it’s just an ugly old rock and you all think that it has to be a planet like Star 1116.”
“Well, I hope the authorities are looking into that possibility because the current cycle is ending soon. That means there won’t be a habitable planet for humans,” you said, looking at Jongho- while you were part alien, you functioned more like a human and couldn’t just travel in space without a certain amount of oxygen, just like Jongho. “And that also means that we will lose our home.”
Yeosang passed a tight-lipped smile at that- you all had family who lived in Star 1116 and refused to leave even though they were aware that this planet would soon disintegrate. They wanted to live there until the last possible moment before making a decision- die with the planet or move to a space pod. They were too old to do anything to save their home so you were using this opportunity to try to save it for them, along with your crew. While the government did not allow such missions for the common people, you were carrying it out secretly. You would be labelled criminals if you interfered with their mission.
“That’s a shame. I’ve heard Star 1116 is a very beautiful planet,” Wooyoung said and you all nodded- it really was the most beautiful planet to ever exist in that galaxy. “What do you plan to do about it?”
“Honestly, we have no idea, we’re just trying to find more information on when the cycle will end so we have a clue about how much time we have instead of waiting for the government to announce that we have numbered days,” Jongho said. 
He was about to continue when you heard static and you almost thought it was one of your own radios until Wooyoung got up and brought his radio back to the table, the four of you huddling closer to watch the messages appear.
“Pass me a pen,” you asked Yeosang who obeyed and you gave it to Wooyoung who had already opened the notebook to write down the message. It was mumbo jumbo to the three of you but all the colour seemed to leave Jongho’s face when Wooyoung finished writing the message.
“What’s wrong?” Yeosang asked, patting his cheek to make him come back to his senses.
“Uh, let me confirm the message,” he mumbled weakly and you rushed to get his decoding device. He thanked you and started to insert the message in the device while already knowing the final version since he had played with this device enough to not need it anymore. When he typed the decoded message, he looked at all three of you before setting it in the middle of the table.
“‘I am 1118,’” Wooyoung read the message, frowning. “‘Do not save 1117.’”
Silence filled the room as the message hung in the air over your heads, your hands getting clammier with each passing second. You looked at Yeosang who looked just as lost and then at Wooyoung who was checking his readings again as if making sure that he hadn’t made a mistake.
“There is no Star 1118,” you said what everyone was thinking out loud. “Isn’t that right? Wooyoung?”
“I’ve never heard of Star 1118,” he admitted in all seriousness. “Star 1117 has always been the focus of attention, right?”
“Yes,” you nodded. “But someone from Star 1118 is sending you a message and telling you not to save Star 1117? Is that what it is?”
“There can’t be a Star 1118,” Yeosang frowned. “We can’t even locate 1117. I think if there were two missing planets, we would have found at least one, right?”
“Unless the government is hiding something?” Wooyoung suggested. “Wouldn’t put it past them.”
“Yeah, he might be right,” Jongho agreed with Wooyoung. “But I think we should start with locating where this message came from. That would certainly make things easier.”
“I suggest an infiltration of your space council to find information because it looks like you’ve had no luck so far,” Wooyoung raised his hand while looking at you, asking if everyone was in.
“That’s too risky-”
“But you can read the aliens, right?” Wooyoung interrupted and you folded your arms. “You can read objects. You can read their data- all we have to do is sneak past them,” he said, folding his sleeves with a smug face. “And I happen to be a pro at that, as you already know.”
A jab, but also an attempt to smoothen the rocky beginning of your relationship. You scoffed in answer, knowing all too well what he was talking about from the bits you had seen from his journal. “We’ll be labelled space criminals. They would do anything to find us and have us tried in court.”
“Well, from what I’ve heard, you’re all space criminals anyway,” he shrugged. “You’ll only be living up to that title. Besides, don’t you want to save your home?”
“You will help us save our home?” 
“If I can be of help,” he nodded. “I came here to find Star 1117 too. We have the same goal, right? Find Star 1117 and save your galaxy. You get to save your home, and I get to rub this in my government's face and… clear the name of my friends who got caught in this mess without me.”
“Didn’t catch that sob story when I read you,” you told him and Yeosang snorted, resulting in all of you sharing a laugh, the room echoing with nervousness, anticipation and excitement-
And hope. You met Wooyoung’s eyes and he nodded earnestly, his smile making your heart feel warm, a feeling you had forgotten.
You smiled back this time.
—--------------------------
“Wooyoung, I swear to the all one thousand, one hundred and seventeen stars, if you don’t move your knee right now-”
“I’m trying,” he hissed, smacking your back and you let out a horrified gasp at his audacity. “I can’t move it- bear with it.”
“It’s digging into my calf and it hurts,” you sighed. 
“Whose genius idea was it to sneak through the vents again?” Wooyoung asked and that shut you up.
It took you all just about two days to form an elaborate plan that would involve Yeosang getting access inside the Space Council building to present the monthly report physically with the excuse of meeting up with his cousin who worked there. When he called his cousin, the poor guy was quite surprised since they weren’t on friendly- or any terms, per se. He did complain about the strictness of the Space Council and how visitors weren’t usually allowed, but since Yeosang’s parents were ex-employees of the Council, it helped his case and his request to visit was almost immediately approved.
That left Jongho in charge of camouflaging the spaceship and he contacted a few of his friends who happened to be mechanics and had some spare technology that they could share with him. They were sceptical about why the human needed camouflage- it definitely raised suspicion, but Jongho had always been good at shutting people up with money so the mechanics were more than happy to help him out, thanking him for helping their declining business. 
You and Wooyoung, of course, had to be the ones to sneak in. You were hesitant to take the human with you- his vitals weren’t the problem since he was wearing the watch just like you which ensured your vitals remained normal. The problem was the risk of taking an unregistered human inside the very space that made sure all humans were registered in their data. 
Plus, Wooyoung’s claim that he could ‘watch out’ while you read their data wasn’t very helpful- you weren’t sure if he would be able to get you out of a tight spot if you got caught. He claimed to be good with guns so you reluctantly loaded him with as many weapons as possible and when you were almost sure he wouldn’t be a liability, if not a help either, you agreed to let him accompany you.
He was good at sneaking in. He had studied Jongho’s inventory of machines and tools and taken anything he thought was useful. While Yeosang entered from the main door, the two of you turned on the camouflage on Jongho’s illegally obtained wristwatch and took access inside the building through the backdoor while another alien entered. Before you could be scanned, Wooyoung pointed at the vents and you squeezed yourself into the tight space, crawling on all fours with Jongho’s voice guiding your directions. 
“Can you both fight later?” Jongho huffed. “Take a left and then jump down- you’ll land in a storage room. I can’t guarantee that it will be empty, so make sure your camouflage is working and you’re silent when you land.”
“Got it,” the two of you muttered in unison and you angrily tucked your hair back before leading the way again, having Wooyoung follow behind you. You paused before it was time to jump down, extending your neurons to read the room and after finding no signs of life for now, you landed softly with a thud, signalling Wooyoung to come down as well.
“That’s convenient,” Wooyoung pointed at your fingernails. “Can they act as a weapon?”
“Haven’t tried that yet but I suppose I’ll be forced to, soon,” you pointedly looked at him and he stuck his tongue out before Jongho asked you to find your way to the storage room that was across the hall. Wooyoung opened the door just a fraction and you pushed him with your elbow to take a peek.
“No one outside?”
“Doesn’t look like it,” you whispered. 
“Well, that’s what your kitty claws are for. Go ahead,” he said and you sat down on the floor, extending the neurons once again and finding a few men who seemed to be on duty, stationed in front of the rooms that were on either side of this room. You got up and moved away to talk to Jongho.
“Is there no other way?”
“None,” Jongho sighed. “Should I ask Yeosang to do something about it?”
“No, I have a sacrificial lamb right here,” you smirked dangerously at Wooyoung, who pointed at himself with wide eyes and furiously shook his head.
Moments later, he was carrying a bunch of folders and going out of the storage room as if he belonged there. You watched from the crack in the door as he pretended to look at the room number and went just a few steps ahead before dropping everything to the floor.
“Curse the stars,” he huffed angrily. “I’m gonna be late and my boss will kill me.”
One of the guards came into your vision, looking at Wooyoung with narrowed eyes. “Who’s your boss again?”
“Just the angriest one here- no need for names, am I right?” He shook his head and the guard seemed to buy that for the moment. “Asked to get some files,” Wooyoung started gathering them and the guard bent down to help. Wooyoung looked back, meeting eyes with you for just a second before looking at the second guard. “Would you help? I need to grab another bundle from the storage.”
The second guard hesitantly joined the first, grunting as he bent down. Your heart seemed to be beating between your ears as Wooyoung came back inside the room.
“What do you say I knock them out?” 
“Just keep yapping- I’ll make it,” you told him and he signed okay, grabbing another box of files and going back outside. You heard the three talk among themselves and you mustered all the courage before making a dash across the hall, turning the knob-
To find it locked. It would need an identification card to open it, and you didn’t have enough time for Jongho to do his thing. Panicking, you looked at Wooyoung who visibly swallowed and you made a neck-slicing motion.
“Now who’s that?” The second guard spotted you and that was all Wooyoung needed to take out his gun from the jacket and smack the guard’s head with the butt of the gun. The other guard punched him in the stomach with such force that Wooyoung doubled up as he let out a weak exhale-
And before you knew it, the neurons were extending from your fingernails and slashing at the guards while forming a protective barrier around Wooyoung at the same time. Wooyoung yelled an ‘I’m okay!’ which finally made you stop- not after having inflicted enough cuts on the guards to make them clutch at themselves in pain. 
Wooyoung looked at you, half-impressed and half-horrified. You decided to make sense of it later and said, “We should probably… shut them in the storage.”
“Yeah… why don’t you use your murder mittens for that too?” 
You scowled at him but did exactly that and Wooyoung smacked them hard enough to knock them unconscious though you were pretty sure it was petty revenge. He dusted his hands and looked proudly at you afterwards, catching you stifling a grin. He raised a brow and you finally let out a laugh at the absurdity of the situation.
“If you have both had your fun,” Jongho’s voice interrupted though he sounded amused- while he couldn’t see what was happening, the audio was enough. “Yeosang’s almost done and you’re still doing god knows what.”
“Sorry, Wooyoung’s having too much fun,” you put the blame on the human and moved along, ignoring the earfull that Jongho started to give Wooyoung. You used the identification card of one of the guards to open the door, finding yourself in the recent archives section of the control room- you didn’t need to tap into the alien parts to hear the chatter from the main room that leaked into this one.
“I’ll keep watch, you can start,” Wooyoung said and you nodded, wasting no time and shutting your eyes, letting the neurons branch out and touch everything in your surroundings- the shelf where hundreds of files were stacked, the numerous hard disks along with paper notes, the walls that contained memories of the people who had touched it recently, the floor where the employees must have walked a million times-
And where Wooyoung stood, and you almost thought your eyes were open when you saw him watching you in awe while staying alert. Despite not wanting to read him without his consent anymore, you saw the brief flash of what was playing in his head right now-
The sight of you slashing at the guards to protect him.
You pushed that scene and the feelings associated with it aside and let the neurons store every bit of information that they could until you started losing your breath and feeling faint- a sign that you couldn’t take it anymore. You thought you heard Wooyoung call your name before you retracted the neurons and rested your back against the wall, catching your breath.
“Too much?” He asked and you nodded, wiping your forehead. 
“We’re done, Jongho,” you said and he hummed in response, letting Yeosang know so he could leave as well. 
“Good job everyone,” Jongho said as you all started to make your way back out. “I’ll serve you all drinks tonight. And maybe sing for you.”
—--------------------------
If you thought Jongho was a good singer, he certainly had competition now. 
Sure, Jongho could move stars with his voice. You always joked that perhaps Jongho was an alien and his voice was his alien characteristic because there was no way a human could sound so powerful and mesmerising.
But perhaps, it was a human thing to sound so captivating, to sing like you intended to break the heart of the listeners and heal it again, to have your voice flow like the honey aliens only heard stories of- something they could describe and perhaps create association with yet only dream of having. Perhaps, it was a human thing to possess a voice that could make you feel like you were floating among the stars as one.
Or maybe… it was just Wooyoung. 
And just you, feeling all of that and more.
You tried reasoning with yourself- you had been hearing Jongho sing since he could speak so it probably didn’t sound so special to you anymore because you were used to it. If you could experience his singing for the first time again, you were sure you would be as blown away as the other person- as Wooyoung was.
But when Wooyoung sang in a voice so soft and mellow, you could feel your heart melt and you felt the sudden urge to sit out on the deck of the spaceship, in the hollow silence of the space and watch the stars.
“No way he’s the same person who sounds like an animal when he talks, right?”
You exhaled in relief when Yeosang said that but you were sure his drunken heart wasn’t as moved as yours was. 
And it didn’t help when Wooyoung locked eyes with you as he sang about the human emotions of longing, sadness, happiness and love. Of sorrow and bitterness, of peace and hope. 
You had been fine for the most part of the night- after returning to the spaceship, the boys started to prepare a meal while you passed out on the couch, surprising Wooyoung who was told that you were just taking a power nap to recover your energy. They woke you up when the table was set and while you ate, you told them that you were still processing the information you had absorbed and nothing you could process so far was relevant. While Yeosang told you all about his ‘adventures’ and how wonderful an actor he is, the room filled with overlapping chatter and laughter with the tinkling sound of your glasses as you drank. 
And now that the humans had been singing for a while, you silently excused yourself with a smile on your face that had been plastered on your face since you woke up. You exited the spaceship and laid down on the deck to watch the endless expanse of the universe. With your hands resting on top of your beating heart, you let your chest rise and fall in synchrony with the glimmering of the stars around you. 
You could hear your own breaths but Wooyoung’s voice still seemed to be ringing in your head and you found yourself smiling again. You recalled when your grandfather had told you stories of his father and his time on Earth- how humans used to sing at gatherings around fire while they ate candies or drank warm beverages. You had never experienced that but you always thought they might have looked strange doing that, until tonight when Jongho and Wooyoung started singing and Yeosang started clapping along- perhaps, this was what it was like to be truly human. To enjoy the little moments in life and make the most of them.
“Now that’s one way to stargaze.”
You almost jumped, letting out a startled sigh and Wooyoung grinned at that. “Can I join you?” 
“Uh, sure,” you patted the space next to you and he settled down, watching you for a moment before he assumed a similar lying position next to you.
“It’s beautiful,” Wooyoung sighed dreamily. “The stars.”
“Sometimes I wonder which of these stars were planets where we lived,” you said. “I think a lot of people here must look and wonder which one of them is their home.”
“It’s a shame how the cycles here work, but isn’t it somewhat relieving to know that the place that was once your home is now all around you? In the form of celestial matter.”
You turned your face sideways to look at him. “Is it though? To know that you have no home anymore?”
“But home is where the heart is,” he smiled, looking at you.
“Do humans still use that phrase on Earth?”
“We’ve always been using it,” he said. “Where did you hear it?”
“From my great grandfather.”
“He’s still alive?” 
“No,” you chuckled. “I have his journals. He missed planet Earth a lot but he said that home is where the heart is and his heart was here with his family. It never made sense to me, though.”
Wooyoung shifted his body to lay down sideways so he could look at you as you talked. “And why is that?”
“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Home is a place, not an emotion or a feeling. My home is under the shade of the tree near my house where I grew up.”
“That’s where your heart is,” he told you.
“No, my heart is here,” you patted your chest. “It’s pumping blood.”
“My dear y/n,” he pinched your nose and if you had been sober, you would have smacked him. “Heart is an organ, yes, but it’s also a feeling. You leave a piece of your heart everywhere- back home, with your friends, with the people you lose. It is what makes you a whole person.”
“Still does not make sense to me,” you pouted.
“It will, one day,” he assured you, a knowing look on his face.
“What was your home like?” You asked after a few moments passed.
Wooyoung took a deep breath, folding his arms, his hair beginning to fall sideways slowly. You turned to face him too, unable to resist the urge to tuck them back. He didn’t comment on it, knowing it would remind you of the distance you were always consciously creating. “My home was near the sea- you have it here too, don’t you?”
“Something like that,” you told him, recalling the human sea you had seen flashes of from your great grandfather’s journal. 
“My home was the place where I spent my whole life, where my parents were,” he said and you noted how there was something sad about the way he smiled. “My home is with the friends I left behind, and even though my workplace started resembling a prison… that place is also my home.”
“Was it hard to leave home, knowing you might never go back?”
“Well, I didn’t think too much about it, I trust my navigational skills,” he said and you rolled your eyes. “But yeah. It started feeling like a mistake until I met you guys.”
You nodded- you knew all too well what he was talking about, having felt his loneliness firsthand. “Don’t you want to see your home again?”
“Maybe I’ll go back, but… I think I have a home here with you guys too,” he said cautiously and your brows furrowed as you tried to unravel its meanings. “Don’t you feel like you have a home here too? With the boys?”
You fell silent, pondering over that. “Will you show me your home, Wooyoung?”
“How- oh, with your kitty claws?” 
“I call them neurons, but yes,” you locked eyes with him. “I’ve always wanted to see what Earth looked like from my great grandfather’s mind. His journal doesn’t really give much.”
“What do you want to see?”
“Everything special about planet Earth, and… cats.”
“Cats?” Wooyoung frowned. “I thought you had them here? Yeosang called your neurons kitty claws?”
“It’s just a phrase we adopted from the description of cats and feline creatures we have in his journals,” you told him and he clapped, saying a long ‘ah’ in realisation.
“What about dogs?”
“We have something like that here, but I’d like to see that too,” you smiled.
“Okay, there’s so much to see- do you want to see now?” Wooyoung asked and you shook your head. 
“I’m still processing the information I got from the Space Council. Maybe some other day.”
“Sure, whenever,” Wooyoung said and you watched him for a few moments, the silence surprisingly comfortable.
“Did I scare you earlier?” You finally asked the question that had been weighing on your mind since you came back. “When I attacked the guards?”
Wooyoung stifled a smile. “I think I was more surprised that you went all murder-mode to protect me rather than being scared,” he confessed, “but I won’t lie. It was a little scary.”
You bit your lips, feeling something like guilt wrapping around your heart. Wooyoung inched his hand closer, looking at you for permission before holding your hand and caressing it.
“You don’t scare me,” he admitted, “I don’t care if you are capable of slitting throats with your nails or neurons or whatever they are. I saw how frightened you looked when the guards attacked me. I can’t get that out of my head.”
Now that was new. “Why can’t you get it out of your head?”
“You and your questions,” Wooyoung laughed, bringing your hand closer to inspect. “Hey, your hands look pretty normal. Like human hands. Where do the neurons even come from?”
You showed him by protracting them just a fraction and he wowed, taking both your hands and examining the skin around your nails when they retracted. “Pretty seamless, huh? Can you produce them out of your feet too?”
“Yeah, Yeosang had a wonderful time having me try that,” you laughed at the memory. “I can, but I don’t for obvious reasons.”
“You would look like a frog if you did,” Wooyoung told you.
“What’s a frog?”
“I’ll show you when it’s time, but… I’m scared you won’t like it.”
You narrowed your eyes at him and when he started describing a frog, he finally earned the long due smack, your laughter ringing in the space while Jongho and Yeosang watched from the window.
“Didn’t realise she could laugh like that,” Jongho wiped a fake tear from his eye.
“She laughs with us too,” Yeosang said.
“Oh, you wouldn’t understand,” Jongho waved a hand in dismissal. “Her laugh sounds different.”
“Really?” Yeosang looked at Jongho. “Sounds the same to me.”
“It’s a human thing,” Jongho smiled and Yeosang shook his head at that, knowing all too well what he was talking about.
—---------------------------
“We have a big fucking problem, guys.”
All three heads turned dramatically in succession and you looked away, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.
“Did you finish processing already?” Jongho asked and you nodded, slumping down on the couch next to Yeosang who had been pretending to take a nap. The younger two, who had been playing some board game that Wooyoung had been teaching the boys, rolled their chairs in front of you and you nervously fiddled with the sleeves of your black shirt.
“Yeah, I sped things up and… do you want the good news or the bad news first?”
The boys exchanged glances and everyone agreed on the good news first. You took a deep breath, “The Space Council has identified all of us and are sending out ‘wanted’ posters. They know we stole information and they’ve put a bounty on us.”
“That’s the good news?” Yeosang looked just about as horrified as the rest of them. You let out a short laugh.
“Congrats on officially being labelled space criminals now, I guess?” You offered and Jongho groaned loudly, muttering something about how his parents were going to kill him, bounty or not. “Now, the bad news?”
“Go ahead,” Jongho muttered, folding his arms in bitter resignation.
“Well, I don’t know how bad it is but they have secrets that they’ve hidden so well that even I couldn’t read them,” you started and Yeosang whistled at that. “I kept hitting a dead end whenever I came across something related to Star 1117, and there’s absolutely no way of locating the planet- not that they know of, or if they do know, they’re hiding it a bit too well.” 
“So was our attempt futile after all?” Wooyoung asked.
“Not really- it means that they do know a lot about Star 1117- at least the higher-ups. They’re just hiding it from everyone else.”
“Why are they keeping it to themselves? Do they want to keep Star 1117 all for themselves when the time comes?” Jongho questioned. “Do they not want the rest of us finding out?”
“Or maybe they don’t really know a lot and are just as clueless as us,” Yeosang offered. “Did you find something about how to locate it?”
“I think radio waves are our best option, so Wooyoung’s radio will have to do. I have something that can help with that, so let’s just track whoever is sending us that message and get answers from them?” You suggested.
“Sounds like a plan. We’re already working on using the radio as a navigational device so let us know what needs to be done next,” Yeosang agreed.
“Sure. There’s also something strange I came across,” you added, “but I don’t know if it’s of any value.”
“Let’s hear it anyway,” Jongho leaned forward in anticipation.
“You know the stories about the first aliens in this galaxy? The Original Nexi who are supposedly the first aliens in this galaxy?” 
“Yeah, that bloodline still exists, right?” Jongho asked, having recalled hearing rumours about them. “The Original Nexi who are born, grow up until a certain age and then start ageing backwards until they die?” 
“The humans would love to hear their secrets by the way,” Wooyoung looked both ashamed and proud of his people at that moment.
“Yeah, so,” you continued. “I think the first aliens are from Star 1117- that’s what I read in one of the files. That must mean the planet exists. If we can find one of the Original Nexi descendants who are alive today, we might be able to get some information about Star 1117. Maybe some of them even live there and we just haven’t been able to find them. Maybe that is why they’re trying so hard to hide the planet.”
“Woah,” Jongho exhaled deeply. “Now that’s news.”
“Yeah,” you sighed, a sombre silence taking over while all of you collected your thoughts. You decided to break the silence and give them a heads-up. “Since we’ll be wanted criminals now, let’s cut all contact with the station and destroy any tracking devices on this spaceship. Jongho, I trust you can take care of that?”
Jongho nodded and you continued. “Yeosang, please make sure our families are safe when they go to investigate- make sure they know that it might get messy so they can defend themselves if need be, okay?”
“I’ll let our friends know too- especially people we’ve been in contact with recently,” he said in a grim voice and you agreed, the realisation that you would all be in danger soon washing over you with a crash and you involuntarily shivered. Yeosang patted your back. You glanced at Wooyoung who had an unreadable expression on his face.
“We’ll do everything we can,” Wooyoung assured you and you nodded in answer. “Let’s speed up our radio navigation first.”
You agreed and got up, moving towards the control panel with Jongho, and Wooyoung looked at Yeosang, wiggling his brows.
“I guess my role is still chef?”
Yeosang chuckled. “You can keep doing whatever you’ve been doing. Kind of like an anchor, don’t you think?” 
Wooyoung was pretty pleased to hear that, immediately cheering up at Yeosang’s acknowledgement of his role as an ‘anchor’ when he had previously been referred to things like ‘maid’, ‘comic relief’ and worse. He disappeared into the kitchen knowing he didn’t have a lot of time before he would be called to help with the navigation.
And it was about an hour later that the smell of meat prompted everyone to drop what they were doing and join Wooyoung at the table. The meal was mostly silent, all of you feeling spent now that there was a threat hanging over your heads. Wooyoung could feel the palpable stress in the air but let you all have a moment to yourselves. After clearing the table, he was called to help with the navigation and he worked in harmony with Jongho and you, the hours passing by in a blink and sleep forgotten until-
“A signal!” Wooyoung shouted, making you and Yeosang get up with surprised grunts from your half-asleep state while Jongho high-fived him. 
“And, it’s gone- but it was there,” Jongho quickly input the readings into the radar and got a location. “Just a few tem-nex units away, should take us a few days.”
“Brilliant,” you felt hopeful all of a sudden, laughing in relief as you looked at Wooyoung in gratitude. He smiled in return, hand on his chest as he nodded. Yeosang clapped dramatically when Jongho started to yawn, making the two giggle and you got up, looking at the time.
“I think we should set our route and get some sleep, all of us. It was a long day,” you said and everyone agreed, Jongho immediately taking his place on the couch, pushing Yeosang away with little kicks.
“Go to your own room and get some sleep,” he said. “I’ll sleep here in case something fishy happens.”
“Alright, geez,” Yeosang rubbed his thighs, the youngest smiling as he swaddled the blanket. Yeosang saluted you and Wooyoung mockingly before going to his room.
“Want a drink, Captain?” Wooyoung offered and you gave him the side-eye. 
“Shouldn’t you go to sleep?”
��The adrenaline will take some time to wear off,” he explained and you shrugged. “I’d really like to take the drinks outside this time, and I could do with some company, unless you’re too tired?”
You decided to join- you could do with a drink and some company too, you reckoned. It had been a stressful few hours and your nap hadn’t helped at all- you kept thinking about whether you had been too reckless and doomed your friends and family by infiltrating the council and stealing top secret information. Sure, it could be justified- the government was all but dooming the people with the way they were handling things. If this really was the 1116th cycle, they had done little to nothing to prevent an apocalypse and the people were still in the dark about the ensuing damage which could be anywhere from just Star 1116’s collapse to the whole Temporal Nexus galaxy swallowing itself.
And you had never felt so worthless. You were merely a speck of dust in this vast galaxy and everything that you were doing to save it looked like it was all in vain.
“Cheer up, eh?” Wooyoung said as he clinked his bottle with yours. “It will be okay. We’ll be fine.”
You had to admit, you were rather impressed by his ability to read the room or the emotions of someone. He did it better than you could with your neurons and that was saying something. 
“I just feel like I’m going in circles. It’s not the first time we’ve received a signal that indicated that we might be close to Star 1117, but it’s the first time I’ve felt hope. I don’t know what I will do if it turns out to be nothing.”
Wooyoung hummed in thought. “If it turns out to be nothing, you’ll try again, just like you have for so long now. You won’t give up.”
“I know I won’t give up,” you nodded. “I want to do anything to make sure Star 1116 stays like it is, even if… even if I can’t ever go live there again.”
And perhaps, it was that possibility that had been weighing you down all along- what if you were chasing after something you shouldn’t and risking your chance of ever going back home? What if your last memory of Star 1116 would be when you got drafted as space patrol?
You recalled that day- just another morning with you munching on some snacks while you worked at the office with Yeosang and Jongho. The three of you had always been a unit even in the Space Centre in Star 1116. Your unit was the one in charge of detecting foreign matter around your planet but you were always abusing your power- since you had access to a lot of devices and archives, you were conducting your own research about Star 1117 which almost everyone was aware of. It wasn’t something you did secretly anyway.
But even though you saw it coming, the notice that your unit was transferred to Space Patrol still made your heart sink. You went to the superiors to have them change it- Jongho and Yeosang shouldn’t be dragged into something that you insisted on doing, but the two were already there trying to do the same for you. The three of you laughed like fools afterwards as you processed what this meant-
That you were on to something and the Space Centre did not want you snooping around anymore. That was how you ended up harbouring spite for the Space Council and continuing your mission in secret. It had been a long and lonely journey for the three of you but at least you had each other. And with Wooyoung’s addition to the crew… 
Things had definitely changed for the better.
“I can understand,” Wooyoung smiled wistfully. “I didn’t exactly leave Earth on good terms either. It was quite a similar situation as yours- I would have been imprisoned for trying to expose state secrets if I had stayed any longer, so I just decided to sneak away and collect evidence about their dealings with Star 1116 and their plans for Star 1117. I feel sorry for the people I left behind- they must be dealing with my mess.”
You recalled hearing about his friends earlier- he seemed to worry about them a lot. “Do you want to go back… once you collect your evidence?”
Wooyoung shook his head. “Do you think I’ve been doing my job ever since I met you?”
“Well, I didn’t stop you from doing what you needed to do,” you muttered and he laughed.
“Look… there’s no way I’m going to go back to Earth and tell them that you exist. You’re the evidence I was trying to find, and… I’d rather keep you all to myself.”
“Jung Wooyoung,” you warned but he only took a few chugs of his beer in response. You crossed your legs, shifting to face him.
“I understand how much home means to a person, and I wouldn’t want to be someone who prevents you from going home and clearing the name of your friends. Please, I already feel guilty as it is…”
“Look, I came here to find out if the humans that got lost here were still communicating with my people back on Earth, right?” Wooyoung began. “Turns out those humans had morals after all, from what you told me. They never betrayed the aliens here and lived in harmony with the rest of the aliens here. They made a home here. Isn’t that beautiful?”
“And what about Star 1117?” You asked and Wooyoung’s lips tightened in a smile. “What have you been trying to find about Star 1117?”
“Well, you know why they sent your great grandfather and his group to the Temporal Nexus. Humans have always been in search of anything they can get their hands on; they're greedy like that. Be it slowing the ageing process or finding another planet that they can make their home. After all, Earth will collapse one day. In the solar system, they haven’t had much luck so they’ve always been secretly exploring other galaxies.”
“Is that such a bad thing?” You asked. “We’re the same. Our planet collapses and we go live on another.”
“But you take everyone with you, don’t you?” Wooyoung asked grimly and you frowned in confusion. “You do not leave your people to die, do you?”
You shook your head in denial and when he sighed, you had your answer. 
“Are humans that selfish?” 
Wooyoung stretched his arms, a melancholic smile plastered on his face. “Sometimes. Not all of them, I like to believe. It’s just the power that makes them lose their morals.”
“I guess it’s the same here then,” you shrugged. “The Space Council does not want us finding any information on Star 1117.”
“I have a feeling that they have a good reason for that. Let’s hope I’m right,” he settled the empty bottle on the deck. Yours was still half full and in your hands. You watched Wooyoung trace shapes on the surface of the deck, his dark hair falling down on his forehead. 
“Will you show me your home?” 
Wooyoung looked up at you in surprise. “Now?”
“I feel like this is the moment that I should read you,” you answered in all honesty and he looked a little confused but agreed anyway. You scooted closer and raised your hands in front of him. He awkwardly raised his own, intertwining them with yours before he realised-
“Oh, the forehead, right?” He was about to pull his hands away when you let the neurons extend and wrap around his hands, effectively binding them to yours and Wooyoung raised a brow in response, speechless for once. You stifled a smile and let the neurons wrap along the bulge of veins in his arms, the silver branches sneaking under his sleeves and taking shape along his collarbones before appearing on his neck.
When you felt Wooyoung stiffen just a fraction, you stopped, the neurons curling around his neck. You couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he looked with the silver branches on him, and it awoke a spark deep inside you. You almost felt breathless, as did he, before you asked him the one question that would make or break this moment.
“Did I scare you?”
Wooyoung looked at you for a few moments too long, watching your pupils contract and dilate in anticipation, silver like the extension of you around him. And he asked himself-
Was he scared of you? Did the idea of being so exposed to you make him want to cower away? Did he not like the way you had him trapped under you? Did he not appreciate that you were still asking for permission? 
Weren’t you only human too? Figuring out these unfamiliar feelings just like he was? 
Wooyoung decided to take a leap of faith in you and tightened his hold around your hands in answer- you had read him for a long time when he was first brought in your spaceship but that was a wholly different experience from this moment. This was so much more intimate with darkness enveloping the space, the stars twinkling like an endless glimmer around you, and the shift in your relationship now that you had warmed up to each other. 
A different way than he had warmed up to the boys, he noticed. 
“I’m not scared,” he caressed your hands in answer. “I told you before- you don’t scare me, y/n.”
You smiled in response and let the curled branches extend along his temples, wrapping around his head like a crown. You wished he could see himself in that moment, but you shut your eyes as he pushed his memories to you.
Earth. 
So different from the Earth that you had seen in your great grandfather’s memories. There was more architecture- tall greyscale buildings that threatened to touch the sky. Where was the green grass? Why did the sky no longer seem as blue as it had in the Earth that you had seen?
Suddenly, you saw exactly that- a sky of fluffy clouds with rays of sun emerging through it and painting the lush fields of grass yellow. You saw the flowers that you always loved- the same roses and daisies from your memories. There was the sound of water in the distance- waves. It had to be waves. There was the sound of a woman calling Wooyoung’s name and you looked into the distance at the small cottage. Someone zoomed past you and you twirled around again, taking a scared step back as you saw a little ball of black fur-
A cat.
A startled laugh left your lips as the cat rubbed its soft body on your bare legs. You picked it up and kissed the top of its head before running towards the smell of food- Wooyoung’s food- no, his mother’s food. The person he learned to cook from, the taste that he carried in his hands. 
The scene shifted yet again and this time, your legs were submerged in water and you looked around in confusion- why was the water falling from the sky? You craned your neck upwards to find that it was not the sky where the water was coming from but the top of a mountain, the stream crashing against deep brown rocks just like the one you sat on, a green carpet around it- moss, it was called. You had a stick in your hand and before you could figure out what to do with it, you felt two taps on your shoulders. You turned around to see a child who had a stick just like yours with a tiny creature lodged in it, threatening to fall on the ground. Scared, you cupped your hands and let the creature take refuge in your palm. You watched it carefully, the dark green bulge of its throat rising and falling in quick successions, and its tiny, webbed feet-
A frog. 
You were laughing as the frog jumped out of your palm and landed on the rock near you, joining its own little gang of friends. You washed your hands with the cool water and splashed it on the children around you.
This was what it was like to be a kid on Earth. 
You opened your eyes and saw Wooyoung smiling widely. He grinned before he asked, “Did you see it?”
“I did,” you pouted. “And I do not look like a frog, Wooyoung. Shame on you.”
Wooyoung laughed loudly, squeezing your hands subconsciously. “What else did you see?”
“Well, I saw a cat, thank you very much for that,” you smiled. “I could smell food- your mother cooked for you, right? It smells just like your food.”
“Really?” He seemed pleased to hear that.
“Exactly like that,” you confirmed. “And… I saw tall buildings. What was that?”
“That was the city where I lived before I came here, where I moved to after I grew up.”
“It looked… void of life,” you told him and he agreed. “Earth has changed.”
“We call it ‘modernised’,” he shrugged. “But yeah. Earth has changed, and so have its people.”
“Do you want to see my home someday?” You asked, beginning to retract your neurons and he shivered slightly. “It’s not much, but it’s definitely something like the Earth that my great grandfather left behind. And I wish I could show you like you showed me, but… you can see it in person.”
“You’d take me to Star 1116?” He asked in surprise.
“Yeah, well, don’t think I’m doing it for you,” You started and he scoffed. “It looks like we’ll have to go anyway- at least to warn the people if things don’t work out.”
“Well,” Wooyoung kept his hands intertwined with yours even after your neurons were fully retracted. “I’m not one to give false hope but let’s not give up and stay optimistic about this, okay?”
You nodded and looked at his hands that fit so well with yours, and you found yourself thinking how truly incredible it was to be this fascinated by such a simple thing as your hands in someone else’s. And that led you to think about how much you had changed since you met the human from Earth.
Wooyoung seemed to have noticed that you were deep in thought and he leaned down a bit to enter your vision, gently asking, “What are you thinking?”
You looked at his deep brown eyes that glinted with mischief and curiosity as he held your gaze. You let your eyes travel along the slope of his nose, pausing at his parted lips that were starting to curve into a smirk.
“I’m thinking you’re too close,” you muttered, pushing him back but he only pulled you closer which induced a startled gasp from you. 
You sucked in your breath just as quickly when he caressed your knuckles with his thumb before planting a kiss on both your hands. He then proceeded to look at you, his gaze almost darkening.
“Too close?” He asked, almost as a challenge. You were too surprised to answer, an unfamiliar but pleasant feeling pooling in your stomach. 
“Let go of my hands before I chop your hands into pieces,” you warned and he immediately let go, raising his hands in surrender and he would have thought that you were serious were it not for the laugh that you let out afterwards.
“And you said I don’t scare you?” You scoffed. “Try harder, Wooyoung.”
“Hey,” he scoffed back in utter disbelief. “You played dirty. I cherish my hands, okay? If you shred my hands into pieces I can’t do this-”
He grabbed your wrist and pulled you close- a bit too close, so that your faces were mere centimetres apart. Your eyes widened in surprise and when his initial surprise wore off, he tilted his head a bit, his eyes scanning your face and looking for any signs of apprehension. Upon finding none, he proceeded to cup your face with his other hand.
“If you hurt my hands, I can’t hold you like this, can I?” He whispered.
“Wooyoung-” you began but he shook his head, planting a chaste kiss on your forehead and grinning cheekily afterwards, making you smile shyly. 
“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he said, letting go and scooting away this time. “Don’t go all kitty claws on me please-”
This time, you decided to show him just what Yeosang had meant when he called your hands kitty claws. If it was the planet Earth, or even Star 1116, his shrieks and laughter would have woken creatures from their deep slumber.
But since it was just your spaceship, it only made Jongho and Yeosang grunt in their sleep and his voice was lost to the stars.
—------------------------
“This is insanity,” you managed to say, your breaths quickening with every second as you monitored the radar, watching not one, not two, but three patrol spaceships enter the range of your spaceship, quickly covering the distance behind you.
“We’re running away, right?” Jongho asked but didn’t wait for the answer, pressing a button and activating the speed boost, though that did nothing to calm you. You climbed up to the dome to take a look at your surroundings, zooming through the glasses that all of you had on since you spotted a spaceship following you. 
A number of things had happened in the last few days which led you to this point, so close to finding out the source of the signal Wooyoung had been receiving on his radio. Your names were circulated among all the residents of the Temporal Nexus with a significant bounty on your head, and even Wooyoung’s face was plastered on the ‘wanted’ posters. That prompted you all to cut contact with everyone including your family and acquaintances, though Yeosang had sent a warning to the families and assured them that you would be okay. However, the anxiety that came with the possibility that you all might not ever be able to go back home gnawed at all of you.
For now, there were more important matters. Jongho worked on camouflaging the spaceship as best as possible while the rest of you worked on tracing the signal to the most accurate location, finding yourself in unfamiliar territories. The Temporal Nexus was a vast galaxy and your spaceship was well-equipped so it allowed you to cover a great amount of distance in a short amount of time but there were some spaces in the galaxy that were considered ‘red zones’ or unsafe, to put it simply. These spaces were usually considered to be a hotspot for mysterious, unexplainable spatial activity and it was thought to be the points where a planet may have completed its orbit in time, resulting in a ‘tear’ in space. To the naked eye, it would seem like a mass of vividly coloured gases with little electrical sparks emerging from it. All the residents of the Temporal Nexus knew to avoid it-
But the residents of Temporal Nexus weren’t nosy like you were. And how could you ignore it when the signal was coming right from that point? It was only a matter of time before the Space Patrol around the red zones would detect your spaceship and be on your tail-
And here you were. Just a few hundred tem-nex units away from the red zone, from the source of your signal, the Space Patrol quickly catching up, the boys preparing to attack while you monitored the situation- it was just an excuse to take a breather and think where did it all start going so wrong. If you got arrested now, it would be the end.
“Captain?” Jongho called. “We’re closing up on the red zone. What do we do?”
“We can’t steer around it, can we?” You asked grimly, climbing down and going to look at the map that highlighted all the red zones in the galaxy- there were about eight red zones in your proximity alone and the only clear path was your way back which was now crowded with space patrols.
“Not really- I don’t think we can lose them,” Jongho took a deep breath.
“I say we keep going,” Wooyoung said. He had been monitoring the radio which started malfunctioning as soon as you entered the range of the red zone. “We’re getting signals from there- all the messages we got are from that mass,” he pointed at the blue cloud of gas not far from you now. 
“It’s dangerous,” Yeosang shook his head. “There’s no telling what could happen once we enter that mass.”
“Only one way to find out,” Wooyoung’s lip curved in a smirk. “I have a feeling there’s a reason the space patrol is hell bent on catching us before we reach the red zone, and it’s not our safety.”
“Makes sense,” Jongho agreed. “There have been instances of people trying to get to one of the red zones but never have the space patrol been so active in trying to stop them. Usually one ship is enough.” 
“We are wanted criminals,” you reminded them. “They have a reason.”
“And what’s the reason?” Wooyoung asked. “That you almost found out information about Star 1117’s location? And now you’re going to the red zone? Hell, if I had to say, it would look like you’re on the right path.”
Yeosang exchanged glances with you- Wooyoung was on to something. It made sense- if you had tried stealing information about any other thing, perhaps the Space Council wouldn’t have reacted so brashly. 
“Alright, forwards we go,” you announced and Jongho nodded, immediately going back to steering the spaceship. “But if at any point we feel like it’s dangerous, we’re going back, space patrol or not.”
“Got it,” Jongho grinned, speeding up the ship once again. You went back to the dome to activate the shield, deciding not to go on the offensive for as long as you could manage- you didn’t want more charges added to your criminal record.
For a few moments, all of you focused on your tasks- Yeosang blasting any rocket that came your way, Jongho focusing on entering the red zone while Wooyoung assisted him, monitoring the radio. You gave directions from the dome, silently praying that this mission would not be a futile one when you heard the familiar static noise from the broken radio. 
Immediately, all of you were hovering around Wooyoung and watching the radio try to display a message on its screen but failing to. It looked like something was disrupting its signals.
“It has to be because we’re near, right?” Wooyoung looked up at you and you nodded. 
“Keep following the source- I’m going to try and get readings from outside,” you told them but before you could move and anyone else could verbally stop you, Wooyoung grabbed your wrist.
“Don’t go outside. It’s too dangerous.”
“I’m only opening the dome,” you told him gently, your heart clutching at the sight of worry in his eyes- for you. “I’ll be right here.”
Wooyoung hesitantly let you go and you gave him a small smile before going back up and opening the dome, taking a little peek out. You rested your palms on the surface of the exterior and let the neurons spread around the spaceship so you could read the air and the surroundings- it didn’t always work but sometimes when there was something foreign in the air, you could read it.
“We’re entering the red zone in front of us in about two minutes, Captain,” Jongho warned. “You sure you want to be out?” 
“I’ll be fine- it’s not dangerous,” you assured him but still shut the dome halfway in case you would have to retreat in an emergency.
However, nothing could have prepared you for what happened next. 
Jongho announced that you were going to enter the zone in about thirty seconds and Yeosang positioned himself beside you with his gun. The two of you were covering the back of the spaceship when the air around you turned foggy, indicating that you were in the red zone’s range. You were just trying to get a reading when you saw something from the corner of your eye-
“Jongho!” You warned but it was too late- another spaceship came out of nowhere from within the red zone and hit the back of your spaceship so that Jongho lost control of the steering. The impact of the collision made your spaceship swerve dangerously to the left, making it spin. Yeosang lost his footing and unceremoniously landed down, shouting in warning and you retracted your neurons just in time to draw your hands back before the domed window fell back in its place. You would have fallen in a painful position but Yeosang managed to catch you just in time, though the rocking of your spaceship still made your head bang against the ladder rather painfully.
“I got it!” Jongho shouted and managed to stabilise the ship, and the gasp that he let out when he finally got a clear view outside made you wonder if something had gone wrong-
But Wooyoung looked just as speechless. Yeosang helped you up, making sure you were okay before you two joined them to look at the scene outside-
It was the same pitch black darkness of the space, void of any stars but surrounded by the blue masses of gas. And right at the centre was a small, glowing thing- it was too far to make out its shape but it looked like a rock from afar.
“Are we inside the red zone?” You asked in confusion.
“We crossed it, and now we’re inside the space surrounded by the red zones,” Jongho settled back in his seat in surprise. 
“And we’re getting a proper signal- look,” Wooyoung managed to add amidst the confusion of the situation, pointing at Jongho’s device that you had used to track the signal from Wooyoung’s radio. 
“There’s no one following us anymore” Yeosang went to check from the dome as if he couldn’t believe the radar readings. “We’re alone here.”
“Did you see the ship that crashed with ours?” You asked and Yeosang shook his head in denial. “Damage report?”
“Minor, nothing to be worried about for now,” Jongho assured. “So? Do we inspect that? Why is it glowing like that?”
You looked at the luminous thing in the middle of the space- this couldn’t be Star 1117, right? It was too small to be a planet. Was Yeosang right then? Was this just a byproduct rock or mass of the star that was once a planet?
“Before we go,” you began, a suspicion gnawing at you. “Let me read the collision real quick. There’s something odd about the spaceship that collided with ours.”
“Right? We didn’t detect it on the radar,” Jongho said. 
“That might have been because of whatever was messing with the radio signals?” Wooyoung suggested but you weren’t sure. You went back to climb the ladder that led to the dome and this time, you sat outside on the surface while you protracted the neurons to read.
And what you saw made cold wash all over you- you must have let out a surprised sound because Yeosang was outside with you, his eyes filled with worry.
“It can’t be,” you shook your head. Nothing made sense anymore. 
“What is it?” Yeosang asked. “Tell me.”
“It was our spaceship,” you told him and he frowned in confusion. “I saw our spaceship- this exact one.”
“That’s impossible,” Yeosang shook his head. “Maybe you’re wrong?”
“I’ve never been wrong,” a grim realisation started to dawn on you and you beckoned him to follow you down. “It wasn’t detected on our radar because it’s our spaceship. And it must have crashed with ours to bring us here, to this point.”
“Are you thinking… duplicates? Time travel?” Jongho looked at you in disbelief. “I could call you crazy if we weren’t here right now, but… you know those are just theories, right?”
“You can choose not to believe me,” you said, understanding his point, “But I know what I saw.”
“Time travel in the Temporal Nexus, huh?” Wooyoung scratched his chin in thought. “Isn’t that what Temporal Nexus means in the first place? A point where different timelines intersect?”
“That refers to the points in our galaxy when the cycle of one planet comes to a completion right when the cycle of another planet begins,” Yeosang said, his eyes narrowing in thought. “Unless…”
“Unless your Space Council decided that’s what you all should know?” Wooyoung smiled knowingly. “Just like they didn’t tell you about that thing? About the red zones? About Star 1117? About Star 1118?”
“Let’s just… inspect that first before we start drawing conclusions,” Jongho said weakly and you all agreed, taking a seat next to the two. You sat next to Wooyoung and looked at him- could he be right?
He seemed to understand exactly what you were feeling, and when he slid his hand in yours, you didn’t draw away. You held it and squeezed it back. You needed that.
And it seemed like he needed that more when you started getting closer to the luminous form and realised that it looked more like a person than a rock or a star.
“Am I… going crazy?” Jongho asked, pressing the side of his glasses to zoom in, “or is that a literal fucking person hovering in the middle of space?”
“Are you sure that’s our source?” Yeosang sounded doubtful as he looked at Wooyoung who was beyond speechless, for once. You checked for him and sure enough, you were on the right path.
“Stop the spaceship,” you said when you saw the figure move and Jongho immediately did. The figure- person- turned around and all of you wowed and cursed under your breaths. 
“That’s just… an Original Nexi, right?” Yeosang stood up to get a better view, prompting Jongho to continue approaching the figure. “Apart from the… glowing part.”
It sure looked like one- it had the characteristic androgynous appearance of one, with a stone etched under one eye like a teardrop. Jongho stopped the spaceship and looked at you.
“Are we inviting them in or are you going out?”
“No way that thing steps inside,” Yeosang shivered involuntarily. “I don’t want my spaceship glowing and sticking out like a sore thumb.”
“I’m pretty sure the glowing isn’t contagious,” Jongho laughed. “But he’s right. It’s better if the two of you go out. We humans can chill and watch, right, Wooyoung?”
“Right,” he sank lower in his seat. “You’re on your own, sweethearts.”
Yeosang scowled at the human before extending his hand for you. 
“Don’t even try to read that thing,” Wooyoung warned in a low voice. You pursed your lips in answer before you joined Yeosang, exiting the spaceship from the dome and climbing down at the shaft that Jongho had opened for you to stand on. 
You were now facing the figure, standing tall and powerful- there was no way this was just one of the Original Nexi- this person and everything about their presence was making you want to sink to your knees. 
“Ah… how many times have we crossed paths now?” Its voice, smooth as silk, sounded inside you. Startled, you looked at Yeosang who was just as shocked, if not more.
“I don’t think we have crossed paths…” you narrowed your eyes as the person smiled knowingly. “Who are you?”
“I take it you got the message, then? It must be our first time meeting,” the person sighed as if the weight of the world was crushing it down. You noticed how up close, the glow from its skin wasn’t as obvious- perhaps, you were engulfed in it now. 
“Who are you?” Yeosang asked. “And how are you here, like this?”
“Who do you think?” It asked, positioning itself so it looked like it was perched on an invisible surface. “You are looking for Star 1118, right?”
“And how do you know that?” You asked. This time, there was no apprehension in your voice but simply curiosity and wonder. 
“Because I am the one you have been looking for,” the smile on its lips was so sad that it made you want to cry. “I am the one you saved and the one you let go of. I am the beginning and the end of this Temporal Nexus- I am Temporal Nexus, in its truest form. I am what you call Star 1117, and what you will call Star 1118 if you make the mistake of saving me.”
This time, your knees did go weak and Yeosang let out a gasp, utterly astounded. The person just watched you both with eyes that were both apologetic and full of resentment.
“Star 1117… is a person?” You breathed. 
“Not really,” Star 1117 shrugged, the golden long hair flowing like a halo around its figure. “Just one of my forms. Just one of my names.”
“I don’t understand,” you said, turning to look at Jongho and Wooyoung who were listening in to your conversation from inside, both equally dumbfounded.
“Sweet child of the Nexi,” Star 1117 began. “I am the Temporal Nexus. I am all the stars in this galaxy and their cycle. I am the Original Nexi, the very first, and all of you are my descendants. At this moment, I am Star 1117- Star 1116’s cycle is almost complete and as a cycle comes to completion, I start assuming the next form. This is my final form, for the final cycle- there are no planets anymore- not after 1116.”
You did not know for how long you simply watched the person’s figure shimmer as if it was also a mass of gas- perhaps, if you touched it, your hand would pass right through its form. You and Yeosang stood in shock, trying to process your thoughts.
Star 1117 was a person, not a planet. This being was the core of the Temporal Nexus.
“If you are the Temporal Nexus,” Yeosang began, glancing at you for a moment before continuing, “you must be the past and the present. Isn’t the last cycle supposed to be the 1117th?”
“As the fates have intended, yes,” Star 1117 nodded. “And you’re out here to change that. In fact, you do. You find a way to save me and have the Temporal Nexus live its 1118th cycle. But that is where everything goes wrong,” the person smiled in a melancholic manner. “The Temporal Nexus is supposed to die with its intended last cycle. If you try to change the design of the universe, the universe finds a way to retaliate.”
“‘Do not save 1118’,” you quoted. “Why?”
“Because you triggered not only the end of the Temporal Nexus but the end of the galaxies surrounding me!” Star 1117’s voice boomed this time, making you clutch Yeosang’s hand. “The solar system is next- it will swallow in on itself, before its intended time. There will only be an end and no beginnings anymore.”
“That’s impossible,” you shook your head in disbelief. “You sent a message- to not save 1118. That means you were alive.”
“Oh, I was alive long enough to find a way to make things right,” Star 1117 smirked. “The human in your spaceship- it is he who sent my message. It is him who crashed into your spaceship just now so you made it here- it is him who gave us another chance to make things right and not make selfish decisions.”
You turned to look at Wooyoung who had an incredulous look on his face as he pointed at himself. You turned back to the Original Nexi.
“How?” Yeosang asked.
“In the time when I’m 1118, I’m weak and I fall,” Star 1117 admitted grimly. “The human who never made it to Star 1117 and never met any of you found my weak form. With his help, we formed the last link to the past and here we are. He does not remember because it is not him- it is the person who crashed his spaceship in yours. His origin and conclusion will remain to be unknown until you make a decision- save me, which will lead me to the human on Earth, or let me go, which will take us to a new path- perhaps, one where the world doesn’t end like that.”
“It was our spaceship that crashed into us,” you said.
“And I always wondered how he came to possess it,” Star 1117 sighed. “I hope you make the decision that leads to that moment in this timeline.”
“The decision to let you go?” You scoffed. “We will have no home- what about all of the Nexi? Aren’t they your children? Do you not care for them?”
“I do. But I have lived long enough, and I have seen what happens if you try to save your galaxy. Do not make the mistakes you have made so many times now,” Star 1117 almost pleaded. “Do not save me. Save yourselves.”
“I will save my home and the people who matter to me,” you said through gritted teeth. Yeosang put a warning hand on your shoulder but you shook it off. “You are the Temporal Nexus. You can’t die like this- you can’t take away my world- our world,” you motioned at the boys inside the spaceship. “I will find a way to save you and the galaxy.”
With that, you turned on your heels, not waiting for Yeosang. You were far too overwhelmed to think or care. 
“There is no other way. You have tried everything. You have failed every time.”
Star 1117’s words were lost to space. Yeosang stood awkwardly, wanting to follow you inside but having too many questions of his own to do that. He turned to the being. 
“If you are the Original Nexi, does that not mean that you grow old and young like your descendants?”
“I did, in the beginning, when I was young. When I was Star 1,” Star 1117 smiled. “After a certain time, when I started approaching my end, I got stuck in this miserable state, unable to age and unable to do anything but exist and die a little with each cycle,” the star raised its hand, proving that indeed, there was a translucence to its body indicating the weariness that dripped from its voice in a physical form. “Your people- the Space Council- they protected me and tried to help me, but to no avail. They realise that there is no answer to this. Some things are meant to die at their time, Kang Yeosang. Tell your friends that I have suffered enough for this world.”
—-------------------------------
You must be human, you thought, because you couldn’t stop crying.
Ever since the conversation with Star 1117, you had been overwhelmed to no end. You came back to the spaceship and shut yourself in your room. You knew the boys let you have your space for a while but it was Jongho who came to knock on your door first. 
“Captain? You alright in there?”
You didn’t respond though you were pretty sure he could hear your sniffles. He continued. “I’m not exiting the red zone until you’re out, okay? Until I have your orders. Take your time, I understand.”
You muttered a thank you and that was enough for Jongho. It was Yeosang who came next to check on you.
“All that talk about not being as emotional as a human. Tsk tsk. Look at you,” Yeosang said, attempting to lighten the mood. You did let out a dark chuckle though that only made you cry some more. 
“Come on. Tell me what’s got you crying so much.”
“I just need a few minutes,” you told him. “I’m sorry for being a mess.”
“It’s okay- just… come to us if it’s too much, okay? You’re not alone.”
You knew that. You were not alone, however, you had never felt more lonely. And you were starting to realise why-
You had subconsciously read Star 1117. While Star 1117 had been making all those claims, your neurons protracted just a fraction. The luminous light around you was a part of the being after all-
And all you got to read was pain. Extreme pain- not the physical kind, but the one that weighed on your soul. You felt utter loneliness- one that crushed you like nothing else. You felt the urge to cease existing but also felt helplessness like nothing else. No wonder Star 1117 had sounded so weary. You couldn’t imagine being in its place.
But then… what about your home? What about your people? What guarantee was there that you could all make it safely out of the Temporal Nexus when the last cycle comes to a conclusion? You had only one purpose in life ever since you understood how your home would die in your lifetime- and that was to prevent it. If you could not stop the unavoidable, you would have liked to have found a new home-
But there would be no home in the Temporal Nexus anymore. This spaceship was not a home. Space pods were not home- besides, you would have to find a place in another galaxy. What if you were never welcomed anywhere anymore? What if your family and friends refused to leave this galaxy?
You must have stopped crying a while ago, staring endlessly at the plain ceiling when a knock sounded. You had no energy to hum a response. The door clicked open and someone peeked in.
“I’m coming in,” Wooyoung announced, sitting next to you on the floor in a similar crouching position, your backs against the wall.
“Drink some water- please,” Wooyoung requested and you finally spared him a glance, taking the water bottle and drinking a few gulps.
The water from Star 1116. That was your home.
“Did you finally process all of it?” Wooyoung asked.
“I don’t know what to do,” you told him, “I’m so lost.”
“You read Star 1117, didn’t you?” Wooyoung asked gently, already knowing the answer. He couldn’t help but slide closer when you nodded with an absolutely heartbreaking expression, tears in your eyes. He intertwined his hand with yours and let you rest your head on his shoulder- he could tell you were tired but he needed to tell you something too.
He told you that he went outside to have a conversation with Star 1117, and he told you what he learned from it- specifically about Star 1118 and Wooyoung’s role in all of this.
“The Temporal Nexus is the point where the past, the present and the future meet,” Wooyoung explained, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “In the past, there was an alien girl who was half-human but had beef with her own human counterpart. Her name was y/n-”
“Wooyoung-” you warned though the two of you shared a chuckle over that. 
“She was the captain of her little crew, with Jongho the human driver, and Yeosang the pretty alien… fighter? Engineer? What even is his role?”
“We don’t have roles, we just… make do with what we can do,” you shook your head. “But carry on.”
“Right. So, the Captain learns that Star 1116’s cycle is about to end, and that Star 1117 is not a planet but a being by infiltrating into the Space Council- this time through the main door, not the vents,” Wooyoung laughed. “She learns about how the Space Council have also been trying to find a solution to save their home but are closer to giving up than to finding answers. Together- because that time you don’t become a space criminal- you find a way to prolong Star 1117’s cycle by concentrating the energy of all the red zones scattered out in the galaxy and transferring it to the last cycle.”
“That makes sense,” you nodded. “Red zones are energy byproducts of the previous planets.”
“Right? Star 1117 reluctantly agrees, and you all succeed- Star 1116’s cycle prolongs and leaks to Star 1117’s. The original last cycle, the 1117th, was supposed to be a shorter one since it’s just the galaxy ending itself before it reaches the 1118th cycle. But this time, the 1118th cycle begins. You all realise that you made a grave mistake and that the galaxy will eat itself like it was supposed to, but since it requires more energy to do that now, it will swallow the neighbouring galaxies and possibly trigger the end.”
You took a deep breath. “I triggered the end.”
“Not you alone, but basically… yeah. It suits you, doesn’t it?” Wooyoung chuckled, letting go of your hand to wrap his arm around your shoulders and caress your arms assuringly. 
“Not helping,” you muttered.
“Well,” Wooyoung huffed in resignation. “You try to make things right. You get this spaceship to Star 1117 and get it on board- its form is weakened by then and it is Star 1118 by that time. You set the destination to Earth, knowing someone on Earth would have figured out that their solar system was going to collapse soon and would do anything to change things. You leave the poor Star alone and go to save your family and friends.”
“And Star 1118 makes it to you?”
“Somehow, yes,” Wooyoung nodded. “I have always studied the Temporal Nexus deeply, so when I receive signals on my radio- yes, the radio I have now- I go to investigate the source and find your spaceship underwater near my hometown. With the help of my friends and the Space Centre on Earth, I recover that ship and find an ethereal being inside- Star 1118. Since the being is the Temporal Nexus- the past, the present, and the future of your galaxy- it finds traces of itself on me from another time.”
“Oh heavens,” you raised your head up to look at him. “It’s a time loop, isn’t it?”
“More romantic than that. We were meant to meet, y/n,” he smiled widely, pinching your nose but you were too surprised to react. “Star 1118 sets the loop into motion- or rather, propels it forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Jung Wooyoung now has one mission- to find the tear in space that will transport him to that moment to warn you-”
“The spaceship that collided with us,” you breathed, understanding how it worked. “It must have taken a few attempts.”
“Hence why it is a loop,” Wooyoung nodded. “However, Jung Wooyoung also did something else, which was quite genius of him if I have to say.”
“And what’s that?”
“Jung Wooyoung and Star 1118 worked together to send messages to my radio, which prompted the present me to make different decisions. And here we are,” he concluded with a dramatic sigh. “Things have changed. You can still make the same decisions and it might lead to a time where Star 1118 is not able to go to Earth to warn Jung Wooyoung. That would be the end. Or…”
“Or I could let it be,” you shrugged away from Wooyoung’s arm and buried your face in your hands. 
“I think you already know, but Star 1117 has suffered a lot,” Wooyoung said, and you were once again amazed by how gently he talked to you despite knowing what you had done- what you might do. “It suffered alone for 1117 cycles. You put an end to its sufferings and you might find a new home. A better one.”
“My home is Star 1116,” you said, though the words started to sound like a weight over your heart now. “Not everyone can let go of their home.”
“I thought you understood by now that home is where the heart is,” Wooyoung said and you looked at him to find him smiling. “Where’s your heart, y/n?”
Like the soft embrace of a mother, you felt the answer wrap around the physical organ that was your heart- the answer that was a feeling, an emotion- and not strictly a human one at all. You didn’t have to be human to understand that your heart belonged to the people around you- to your family because they were yours, to Jongho and Yeosang who were your friends, and to Wooyoung- the human who had to be your saving grace. 
Home was also the house and the land where you grew up, but it was not the location or the building that made it a part of your heart- it was the things that you associated with home. Your alien mother, your human father. Their parents who had once lived there, whose memory clung to the walls and was etched in the frames that sat on the mantle. Home was the lake next to your house but what made it a part of your heart was the memories of splashing water on Jongho and Yeosang, and the memories of your parents teaching you how to swim.
Home was where the heart was. And as long as you had the pieces of your heart next to you, you would be home.
“Did you find the answer?” Wooyoung cupped your face to wipe the tears that left your eyes, smiling knowingly. You smiled back, clutching his hands that were caressing your cheeks.
“Home is where the heart is,” you told him, your voice wet with emotions. “And you are my heart, Jung Wooyoung.”
Wooyoung’s eyes curved like moons as his smile grew wider. He nodded, the two of you sharing a laugh. You couldn’t help but notice how beautiful this piece of your heart was. You leaned forward to rest your hands on his neck, surprising him a bit. His hands went to rest on your waist and you pecked his lips, looking at him shyly before pecking them again, unable to look at him any longer so you closed the distance between you two as you hugged him. He let out a laugh of disbelief before he relaxed, burying his nose in the crook of your neck and hugging you back just as tightly, rocking your bodies slightly.
“I found a home with you too,” he whispered. “Thank you.”
You nodded, your heart filling with foreign emotions- like a pleasant tickle to your heart. Perhaps, this was what it felt like to give your heart to someone.
—-----------------------------------
Everything was happening too soon for your liking, but with the help of your friends, you were coming to terms with the fact that you could not save the Temporal Nexus Galaxy- that there was nothing that could be done and the best decision you could make was to let Star 1117 go. 
You stayed in the red zone for a whole day after your talk with Wooyoung. Exiting the red zone would mean confronting the Space Patrol and you had to make a decision before that. Jongho and Yeosang were coping by studying about time loops and talking to Star 1117 about how it worked and if there was any possibility that could work- if Star 1117 was all the past, present and the future of the Temporal Nexus, it would know if any of the decisions the residents of its galaxy made led to a hopeful future. But there was none. 
After exhausting every possibility, they finally came to talk to you and let you know that they had made their decisions- they were going to get their families out of Star 1116 and find a new home. They were also aware that some of their families and acquaintances might choose to stay and disintegrate with the planet, with their home. Now they were just waiting for you to make your decision.
And it was a little conversation with Jongho that made you wonder just what you had been so bitter about.
You joined him by the window as he stared at the blue masses of energy around the spaceship. He smiled to acknowledge your presence before saying, “Wouldn’t it be so good if we could just go back to the past and relive our childhood?”
You smiled back- your childhood really was a fond memory, something you kept very close to your heart. “How young are we talking?”
“Hmm… good question. What would you say is your happiest memory on Star 1116?”
“Honestly? Probably the time when I showed you and Yeosang that I finally learned to swim. We had a little fight afterwards about whose technique was better,” you said and he grinned at that. 
“What do you think? Would you like to go back to the past?”  
You pursed your lips in thought. Sure, your past was a golden memory and saying that you missed that time and wanted to go back wasn’t supposed to hold literal meaning, but if you were offered to go back, would you?
“What about you?” You asked.
Jongho exhaled, putting his hands in his pockets. “I wouldn’t. I like where I am now. I’m still with you and Yeosang. Nothing has changed.”
You nodded- your answer was the same. 
“And I will continue to be where the two of you are,” Jongho added. “Create more happy memories. Hell, maybe we’ll look back to this moment one day, right?”
You nodded slowly. Wooyoung had changed your perspective a lot and you were finally starting to understand Jongho.
“I might even visit Earth and see what the hype is about,” Jongho suggested and you chuckled. “Maybe we can all go to drop Wooyoung. He’s slowly taking over the spaceship. Next thing we know we’ll be calling him captain and he’ll be slaving us.”
“Right? Maybe we can chuck him into that mass and see where he lands,” you pointed at the red zone in front of you, sharing a laugh with Jongho. 
“You know, I thought about it a lot, why in all the timelines that exist, according to Star 1117, you- we keep making the same decision- trying to save the galaxy. Do you know what’s the only difference this time and why we all are seriously considering letting things be?”
“Wooyoung?”
“Yes,” Jongho confirmed. “This is the only timeline known to Star 1117 where he makes a different decision and ends up being a part of the crew. Makes you think about how the butterfly effect works, right?” He ruminated. “In all the timelines, we made different decisions that led us to the same outcome- apocalypse. Things are very different now, and this might be our last chance at making sure we do not trigger the apocalypse.”
“I know,” you folded your arms around you, hugging yourself. “We can’t be the only factor triggering the apocalypse though, right? What if we make the right decisions this time but we still end up losing everything?”
“Well… only one way to find out- if we make the right decisions now,” Jongho looked at you, hope in his eyes. “So. Did you make a decision?”
“I think you know,” you looked wistfully into the space around you. “Let’s go say goodbye to our home.”
Jongho smiled proudly at you. “Star 1117 told me that you were very bitter and hellbent on saving the galaxy in all the timelines. It’s good to see you smile like this, Captain. You seem almost human.”
“I am human,” you said casually but for Jongho, it was the first time hearing you acknowledge your human lineage and he put a hand over his mouth dramatically to stifle a gasp. You only rolled your eyes in response, spotting Wooyoung from the corner of your eye who simply passed you both a cheeky smile and waved before disappearing into the kitchen. You recalled just how adamant you had been about not accepting that you were human too. 
But being human didn’t sound so bad anymore.
And with that decision, you said your goodbye to Star 1117. The being did not thank you for making the right decision. It simply curled in on itself and weeped, the tears escaping its eyelids and evaporating into the air like glitter. You felt the being’s exhaustion and sadness as though it was tangible and that only made you more sure about what you had to do.
Right as you exited the red-zone territory, there was a spaceship waiting for you. It signalled for you to stop and a person stepped out, displaying their Space Council id and demanding to enter your ship. For a moment, you were scared of the consequences of your action- were you going to be arrested now? Would you not get to say goodbye to your home? But when the person made an okay sign, a collective sigh of relief passed and Yeosang pressed the button to open the door for them.
The tall figure clad in a black striped suit with a waistcoat entered, looking around your spaceship with curiosity. You noticed silver extensions on one of his hands, kind of like your neurons except they almost looked like an accessory. The other hand was covered in a black glove and you wondered why.
“Greetings,” he smiled. “I’m Jeong Yunho from the Space Council. It’s good to finally meet you, y/n.”
“Me?” You frowned. “Do I know you?”
“You don’t,” he shrugged, “but I do. From multiple timelines. I’ve been on your case since the very first timeline, working with Star 1117 to find a solution that does not involve exterminating you because Star 1117 insisted that while you and your friends may be its doom, you could also be its saviour.”
You suddenly felt dizzy at his admission.
“Maybe one day I’ll tell you about my adventures chasing your crew,” Yunho chuckled. “But for now… I’d like to accompany you to Star 1116 and make sure you stay on the right track. You will need me if you want to go home because I have not yet lifted your criminal charges. And… you have an unregistered human aboard,” Yunho glanced at Wooyoung who waved his hand awkwardly. “We have a lot to do, folks.”
You scanned his figure with suspicion, your neurons extracting subconsciously wanting to get a reading from him. He noticed that.
“If it helps,” he began. “I’m one of the Original Nexi. There’s a group of us that work in the Space Council solely for the sake of protecting Star 1117.”
“You’re letting Star 1117 die, though,” Yeosang commented in your stead and you silently thanked him. That had been on the tip of your tongue too.
“The Temporal Nexus is called temporal for a reason, isn’t it?” He retorted. “To protect the essence of Star 1117 and this galaxy is to protect its heart- its residents. But I think you all already understand that by now.”
The knowing smile he passed you made you want to ask more questions but he interrupted with clapping and barking orders- you were apparently short on time now and needed to inform the residents of Star 1116 and the rest of the galaxy as soon as possible so everyone could make the big decisions and they could initiate their final operation- to leave the galaxy for good.
And it was no surprise that it was Wooyoung who got the Original Nexi to talk and open up. While Jongho set the spaceship on auto towards Star 1116, the three of you watched from a corner, huddled next to each other. Not too far on the table sat Wooyoung with a warm meal for Yunho, learning anything and everything about the Original Nexi and Yunho himself, learning about his experience with your crew in the different timelines and more. You didn’t even realise that you were biting your nails with narrowed eyes full of scepticism until Wooyoung looked around for you and laughed at the sight of the three of you.
“I guess I’m relaxed because it is actually our first meeting- we haven’t met in any other timeline,” Wooyoung grinned. “Not that I would have known if we had anyway. Right?”
“Right,” Yunho grinned back, shaking his head at the three of you. “Just a reminder that we were friends in some timeline and enemies in the other.”
“Yeah, I think I can understand why,” Yeosang muttered, looking pointedly at Wooyoung. 
“How are you able to remember the timelines?” Jongho asked his first question in a while.
“These,” Yunho raised both his hands and shared a look with you. “We’re quite similar, but I’m able to look into different timelines too.”
You made an impressed face and the blinkers lit up, indicating that you were reaching Star 1116’s territory. Jongho went to steer the spaceship himself and Yunho joined him, striking up a conversation having noticed the equipment on the dashboard. While the two talked, Wooyoung joined you and Yeosang, resting his hand on your knee and squeezing it to make sure you were okay. You nodded in response and pointed at the screen, your heart filling with warmth at the sight of the star.
“We’re home.”
Home. As soon as you could see the lush green fields that surrounded your house, you were on your feet and making your way to the screen, eager to step out. You would have to land at the Space Centre where you previously worked and Yunho made sure you could pass through every security check without any inconvenience. Wooyoung stood next to you and you told him all about the Space Centre and your time as a unit there. 
Wooyoung’s eyes were filled with awe, his mouth parted in surprise as you all stepped out of the spaceship. The view from the screen had been good, yes, but nothing compared to stepping inside that picture, and for Wooyoung who was a human from Earth… you wondered if that was what your great grandparents and their team must have felt when they first landed on Star 1116.
“It’s like Earth, you were right,” Wooyoung nodded, almost jumping when a few will-o’-the-wisps circled his figure and fluttered away. Jongho giggled at his reaction and smacked his back.
“Like Earth but prettier, right?” He said. “That’s what I keep hearing.”
“No, you heard that right,” Wooyoung agreed. “Our grass looks dull compared to this- how is it so vibrant?”
“Wait till you see the lakes,” you told him, knowing that was probably the most surprising part from the memories of your great grandfather. 
“We should show him the cave too!” Yeosang joined you both. “It’s a nice spot to bury him- no one would know. He’ll be dust along with the planet-”
“And he would never make it past the tarantulas that protect the cave,” Jongho chuckled darkly and Wooyoung decided he felt safer with Yunho, falling in step with him while the Nexi shook his head in amusement at the interaction. 
“You should have chucked me in the red zone,” Wooyoung folded his arms and you snickered until you realised that he must have heard that bit from your conversation with Jongho. You exchanged a glance with the youngest who pointed at you, transferring all the blame. Wooyoung’s pout deepened and you took a deep breath.
“Boys, I’m going to steal this one for a while,” you went towards Wooyoung and hooked your arm around his, your crew hooting in appreciation and suggestively wiggling their brows, Yeosang going as far as pretending to gag. You asked Yunho if it was fine and he assured that it was, asking all of you to meet up back at the Space Centre in a few hours. You intertwined your hand with Wooyoung’s.
“What would you like to see first?”
“Hmm…” Wooyoung took a while to think, his eyes scanning everything in sight the further you walked away from the Space Centre, looking at the passersby with curiosity- you couldn’t blame him. The residents of Star 1116 looked far from human in their appearance- from looking almost human like Yeosang to having iridescent coloured skin or accessories like horns or wings.
“Show me your favourite places- all of them,” Wooyoung looked at you, kissing your temple. “Show me the shade of the tree near your house where you grew up, the lake… the places from the journals that you talked about- everything.”
“Would you like to meet my family too?” You asked hesitantly, not sure if the human would be up to it but his warm smile erased any doubts in your heart.
“I would love to.”
“My mother will love you,” you laughed. “My father can be a little… hard to please.”
“Well, I know just how to win his heart,” he winked at you and you accepted the challenge.
You showed him all your favourite places, keeping your house for the last. You walked around the streets without a care in the world for the first time in a while, making him try some local delicacies and showing him the animals unique to Star 1116- it was more of a surprise to him to find that the things you called ‘dogs’ here were more spiky than furry and he told you that you were missing out on the joy of hugging a dog. You grimaced- hugging a dog here would create pokes in your skin unless you had scales or a protective barrier like most of the aliens here.
You took him to one of the bigger lakes in the area and he was utterly fascinated by the way he could see almost every creature inside the lake thanks to the glowing properties of the soil under the lake. He experimentally dipped his hand inside the water, feeling the coolness of the lake quite like Earth’s but somehow feeling more at ease- it always unsettled him when he was near a water body on Earth and could only imagine what was prowling inside. He looked around, noticing the little things that made Star 1116 so beautiful- mountains made of smooth, patterned rocks. Trees with leaves of multiple colours, unaffected by the season and with little gems dangling from the tips of its branches where flowers would have been. The strange birds with their unusually elongated bodies that flew in the sky. The sky that was dark and the ground that he stood on that lit the planet.
It was truly a magnificent sight, and Wooyoung could understand why you- why everyone was reluctant to let go of their home.
Lastly, you walked to your house and you pointed at all the places on the way which had some memory associated with them. You told him about how the humans lived in a little community here- most of them were too old to leave their home. Some of them rarely came home, opting to explore the space instead- like you. Then you told him about your family- your mother was a crime scene investigator and your father was a medical researcher. Wooyoung was impressed to hear that and told you he would love to hear more about that.
When you reached the little cottage by the lake, you paused and took a deep breath, taking in everything. It was still the same- the wooden exterior looking worn out, the smell of wet mud filling your nose, the sound of children in the distance. You pointed at the house.
“That’s me.”
Wooyoung nodded, giving your hand a squeeze to tell you that he was ready. You walked towards the door and pressed your thumb on the lock, the door clicking open and then you heard the familiar footsteps of your mother approach you. Her face lit up at the sight of you and then she paused when she saw your hand in Wooyoung’s. She scanned him with curiosity. You looked back and forth between the two- it would only be a moment until your mother would realise that Wooyoung was not a human. And Wooyoung-
You could tell why he looked surprised- your mother wore her neuron extensions like a crown over her head at all times. Apart from her striking copper hair, she looked very much like you. 
Your mother smiled knowingly at the two of you before spreading her arms and you grinned, walking right in her embrace and melting into it. 
“Well done, love,” she whispered. “I heard about what happened with the Space Council and Star 1117. You did so well.”
“I’m sorry,” you told her, knowing that she didn’t need your words to hear what you were sorry about, nor did she need to read you. She simply knew what you meant. She always did.
“No need for that,” she drew back with a kiss to your forehead. “I see you have a guest.”
“Yes, this is-”
“A human,” your father completed that for you, clad in a mismatched outfit which was indication that he had been holed up in his room with some research again. Wooyoung finally bowed at your parents. 
“Nice to meet you. I’m Jung Wooyoung… from Earth.”
“And what are you doing here with my daughter?” Your father inquired. You may have rolled your eyes if this was any other situation but your mother let you know that she had also heard about Wooyung’s role in the recent events. Relaxing a bit, you let Wooyoung handle the situation.
“She arrested me, sir.”
The room was silent for a moment before your mother snorted, ending up with all of you laughing and you shook your head at Wooyoung- you had never told him about how your parents met but it was something similar. Your father welcomed him with a pat and kissed the top of your head before steering him to the lounge, eager to hear the stories from Earth. 
And just like that, the house became a home with Wooyoung and your mother cooking together while they chatted, your father and you catching up with each other. Not too long after, the doorbell rang and in came Jongho and Yeosang, claiming to have ‘smelt’ Wooyoung’s cooking all the way to their house. They definitely didn’t get a message from your mother to join them.
You had about half an hour left until you had to go to the Space Centre. Your heart felt full watching all the people you loved gathered and Wooyoung fitting right in as if he had always been a part of this little unit. He caught you watching him with a smile on your face and raised his brows in question. You signalled that you were going outside and once he joined you, you asked if he wanted to sit by the lake.
“I’ve been soaking up all the memories of today,” you told him, showing the neurons on your fingertips shaped like nails. “I don’t think I can ever forget today’s events.”
“I did well, right?” He smiled proudly when you nodded in response. “Well, I’ve always been everyone’s favourite even back on Earth.”
You made a face at that and he scoffed. “Read me if you don’t believe me.”
“I do believe you- you have a way of charming people,” you admitted and he grinned. You showed him the spot next to some big rocks where you used to sit when you needed space. 
“This is probably my favourite spot on the whole planet,” you told him, flattening your hands on the ground once you sat, reliving the memories of this place in quick flashes. 
“I can see why,” Wooyoung looked around. With your home on the back and the view of the mountains in the front, he thought he could stay here forever.
“Yunho told me that Star 1116 will die soon, but the galaxy itself won’t end soon- it will take some time and if we’re lucky, it won’t happen in our lifetime,” you sighed deeply. “I don’t know if that’s good or bad. We will still need to find a new home. We can’t make one in the Temporal Nexus anymore.”
“Well… if you hadn’t told me that Star 1116 was your home, I would have assumed the spaceship was,” he said and you raised a brow. “It has such a homey feel to it. We can take all our time to explore the other galaxies and find a new home.”
“We?” 
“You don’t think I’m going back to Earth just like that, do you?” Wooyoung tsk-ed. “Not without you, at least.”
“Really?” You made a face. “I thought I’d be getting rid of you soon-”
Wooyoung leaned forward right when you turned, your noses brushing and your heart fluttering. Wooyoung’s gaze fell on your lips and a little smirk creeped on his own lips. 
“I know why you have your kitty claws out, sweetheart,” he tilted his head just a fraction and you instinctively gulped. “You’ve been saving all the memories of this place- with me this time.”
Well. He wasn’t wrong. Your lack of response was an answer to him and he fully smirked as he drew back. 
You wanted to tell him that you brought him here to make one final memory of this place. You curled your fingers around his hand and when your eyes met, it was like he understood your intentions. He took your other hand and pulled you over him so that you settled on his lap.
You trailed the pointy tips of your neurons along his temple and his spine, making him shiver. He loved it when you watched him with fascination and teased him experimentally as if you were afraid of his reaction. However, he welcomed every little thing you did to him. He let you cup his face and when you kissed him, he groaned in relief before kissing you back, one hand supporting him up while the other curling in your hair. You moved your lips along his in synchronisation and you loved the way he held you.
You drew back once you were out of breath, sharing a grin- this was your first proper kiss. You rested your hands on his shoulders and he lay down on the ground, eliciting a surprised sound from your mouth at the new position. Before you could comment on it, he cupped your face and brought you in for another kiss, the other hand going to rest on your waist. It was slow and sensual, not a care for time or any other thing. Just you, Wooyoung and your favourite spot in the Temporal Nexus. 
When you broke apart and settled down next to him in his arms, you watched the stars together and you showed him one that glowed with a very familiar golden tint.
“That must be Star 1117.”
Wooyoung agreed, absently caressing your arm. You looked at him, finding him deep in thought. You scratched his chin like you had seen him do to the black cat from his home and he smiled at that.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking… will you watch the stars with me every night from now on?”
You kissed his cheek in response.“Only if I get to sleep in your arms- you are my home, Jung Wooyoung.”
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milflookingforadilf · 21 days ago
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i knew this was gonna happen. i never knew i was gonna cry over a boy. now that you left me im bothered by everything you do. im bothered by the thought you're freely talking to other girls now. you're having fun with friends and family. but still i pray to Allah that he never makes you come back to me. you were mine to lose. im never gonna look at love the same. it's all gone again as if nothing ever existed. im all alone all afraid again. im stuck in my darkness and sins. i want Allah to pull me out, i want Him to give me heart peace, to come and pray. i wanna be disconnected from people and this world. my heart my soul is exhausted i can feel it slipping away. i need help. im all alone. im scared. im terrified. no one can handle me? that was also proven multiple times. Allah can. Allah can handle me. Allah is my Creator, My friend, He hears everything, He created me so He knows me. His weak servant. who fails to please Him and hurt everyone. now im scared of my consequences. my life. im anxious. its suffocating to breathe. i don't feel good. i need Allah.
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pinksparklelps · 9 months ago
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Wanted to rant about mask
Yknow mask
From that dream fellow
Small guy you wouldnt know him
I unironically like the song because I can relate to it personally as someone with depression, autism, and anxiety
Being neurodivergent mixed with the depression causes me to mask a lot and just isolate myself
I stay in my room when i dont need to be eating or at school, and i prefer to stay in the dark. And with the depression, sometimes its just hard to even get out of bed or do anything
I started going downhill with my grades around middle school and got myself stuck in a rut, and all i can think of school as now is a documentation of how much of a failure I am, and when you’re depressed, it’s hard to see a point in trying if i already know whatll happen
The part of the music video where he threw away his meds is something i did once. I have to take a lot of meds, and i hated it. I didn’t want to lose the life I knew, i didnt want to lose myself, i didnt want to be pulled from my normal. So i just threw them away as i walked out the door. I even hid them so it seemed like i took them. The “normal pills” name is how it feels. Im taking adderall now, the common adhd meds, and that IS how it feels. Like im taking something that supposed to make me normal. Theres a standard that society set, and neurodivergent people don’t fit it, and the help we’re given feels like we’re just being molded into what we should’ve been.
Change is terrifying. There’s comfort in what you know. And taking meds, getting therapy, it scared me so much when i was younger. Like I was gonna erase a part of myself, and I wouldn’t be me anymore.
It feels so disrespectful when people shit on the songs lyrics like “scared to go outside, haven’t seem the light in ages” as though its just that discord/reddit mod stereotype when its a real thing that people face. People isolate themselves. I isolate myself. My depression makes me so ashamed and scared that leaving this room just isn’t something i want to do. When everything feels hopeless and sad you dont want to go outside and face the reality that put you through it. So many outside things traumatized me and furthered my fear and trust issues. Why would anyone want to be around the thing that made them feel so fucking low?
The lyrics arent a dream thing. Its a neurodivergent thing. We mask ourselves. We isolate ourselves. We fail classes. We smile to hide. We lie like everything’s okay. We’re real people and our experiences are in that song and shouldn’t be mocked just because a dumb minecraft youtuber made the it.
If you wanna hate on dream go ahead. I wont defend him. But that song just means a lot to me, especially since music is something so special to me and how im feeling. I see myself and others experiences in those words because theyre true and i hate when things get undermined or mocked because of some guy
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angeldiaries777 · 11 months ago
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thinking about my suicide attempts and every moment of my life now like damn it was never that serious. AT ALL. blah blah all those pity parties i threw for myself and all of the things i went through like yeah whatever it happened and what???? like what???? like thats just life. why was i taking everything so fucking intensely and why was i so upset at myself for soo long. why was i scared of losing things when life moves forward till the end and thats what we all have to accept. im getting better at recognizing when things are non issues. im still hiding from the world out of habit. its just like damn i was so terrifed of people hurting me that i hurt myself times infinity. like yeah it happened soo:????? so what. yeah i fucked up. yeah other people fucked up. yeah the world is messed up. yeah life is random and weird sooo????? like none of it matters. we're just here to be alive and thats all. like thats enough. the rest will come later and if it doesnt so what???? nothing lasts and neither will that. im not saying im gonna fail or whatever im just saying like yeah whats the point in being a depressed cunt??? yeah i have had clinical depression since i was a child but whats the point in giving into it. there isn't. im not letting anxiety control me anymore sorry. im over it. im over myself. like we get it ur sad and tired all the time shutup. and this isnt gonna be a deny everything forced happiness phase but why am i still sulking about shit outside of my control all these years later?? the angst is gone. its getting annoying hating everything. its getting annoying being cynical about the world. its never going to be amazing and i don't think life will either. so why not just be chill with things?? why not accept that this world and other people myself included will never meet my standards. my life will. and ill try my best to give myself the love i deserve (and no i dont think everyone deserves love i think there r sickos and idiots out there who don't deserve it but i def deserve love) like im gonna try something i havent i lied i need more radical self love in my life. and thats all really. i hate it cuz i cringe when other bitches say things like this but nothing will ever matter. and nothing has ever mattered. like at all. why not be my pretty self and like whatver. whatever. tired of grudges. no more. i don't think im gonna be venting anymore im just gonna shut the fuck up stay offline and be grateful for myself and the cringe "blessings" cringe i have in my life. no more longing for other existences. im really fucking happy in mine. no more posting for validation and attention. obvi human brain will act different irl but whatevs im pretty smart kind and funny i'll be okay. yeah im gonna be okay. i know i am. i know that im going to become who i want to be. and i know it will all work it for me. no more stressing about. no more overthinking about it. no more self inflicted pain. no more rash decsion making. im me and i will be okay as me. like ive been self soothing forever but i need to start believeing that i will be okay. i am my mind. we r one. and the sooner i accept that i will never be able to run away from my own mind things will improve for me. this is the one brain and the one body i get in life. im going to make the most of it and stop living in such a dim dark headspace. its over. sorry im not letting the pain and anger control me. the uncomfy/bad intrusive thoughts can and never will win. im gonna win. this is my life. i have the control.
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babydinojojo · 1 year ago
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Entry 2/Day 2
HOW THE FUCK DID I FORGET TO TELL HER I JOINED, HOW THE FUCK DID I GET MAD FOR ASSUMING SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME, HOW TF DO I GET MAD OVER EVERY LITTLE FUCKING THING. I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT FUCKING TELLING HER, IM TRYING MY BEST TO TELL HER EVERYTHING BUT SOMETIMES I FUCKING FORGET, IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT BRO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.. SHE FUCKING TELLS ME FUCKING EVERYTHING. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME BRO WHY CAN'T I KEEP MY DAMN MOUTH SHUT, I LOVE HER SO FUCKING MUCH AND ALL I FUCKING CARED ABOUT WAS THE "BF" PART. SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN FOREVER, I DIDNT KNOW IT ALSO MEANT BEST FRIEND, WHY DID I GET MAD AT THAT ONE PART, IM SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF UGH I JUST WANNA THROW MY GODDAMN BEAR AND FUCK SHIT UP.. UGH... IM WORRIED ABOUT HER AND HER FRIEND.. I HOPE HER FRIEND IS GONNA BE OKAY CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE SOMEONE ABUSIVE IN THEIR LIVES AKA MY GODDAMN BROTHER... BUT I CAN'T EVEN TELL HER SHIT AT ALL AND LET ALONE I CAN'T STOP ASSUMING THE GODDAMN WORSE... I DIDNT EVEN TELL HER I WAS IN THE SERVER, I WAS GONNA LEAVE BUT I FORGOT ABOUT IT.... ITS NOT FAIR TO HER CAUSE SHE TELLING ME EVERY FUCKING THING AND YES SHE FORGETS BUT ITS FUCKING OKAY, AND ME I KEEP TRYING BUT I FAIL MISERABLY AT THIS SHIT.. I ALWYAS DO, AND IM THE ONE THATS ALWAYS STRESSING ABOUT "THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN A RELATIONSHIP" BUT I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT ONE THING... LOOK IM JUST SCARED OF LOSING HER TO ANYTHING FOR EVERY FUCKING THING.... LOOK MAYBE I'M JUST UPSET BECAUSE THIS IS ANOTHER GUY THAT IS TALKING TO HER... BUT ITS OKAY BECAUSE I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO GODDAMN SHARE AND NOT GET JEALOUS.. IT'S HARD KNOWING THAT YOUR GF IS TALKING TO ANOTHER BOY RN BUT THATS OKAY BECAUSE I TRUST HER.... I JUST NEED TO GET OVER IT.. I REALLY NEED TO START TELLING HER SHIT... I HAVE AN IDEA.. IMMA MAKE A GOOGLE DOC AFTER I POST THIS SO THAT WAY I CAN WRITE DOWN WHAT I NEED TO REMEBER TO TELL HER AND IF I FORGET I CAN REFER TO THE GOOGLE DOC AND THEN I CAN PUT A CERTAIN TIME TO TELL HER.. YEA YEA THATS A GREAT IDEA.. AND IF I FORGET... I NEED TO PUNISH MYSELF SOMEHOW.. I WILL FIGURE THAT OUT LATER.. BUT YEA GOING FORWARD GOOGLE DOC WRITE WHAT I NEED TO TELL HER DOWN AND USE TUMBLR AS WELL TO TELL HER.... SHE MIGHT NOT BELIEVE IN FOREVER BUT I DO I BELIEVE IN FOREVER.. YES WE ARE GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH IN OUR RELATIONSHIP CURRENTLY, BUT I KNOW WE CAN PULL THROUGH WE ARE SO GODDAMN STRONG WE'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE BEFORE.. SO THIS IS NOTHING.. WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS.. TOGETHER.. LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY JORDAN ITS GONNA BE OKAY ALRIGHT... ITS GONNA BE OKAY BECAUSE NOW YOU HAVE A PLAN GOING FORWARD :)
Calm now Jordan??
Good :)
Now go get them tiger
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This is gonna be a message for my ex which really I struggled in expressing but for the first time in history, With all the days I never even wanted to express and talk about my feelings about it , now I finally can without being overly depressed and overly emotional because the weight is just too much and it definitely drained me when we're still together. Whether he reads this or not its ok. I just needed to share my thoughts and my sincerest apologies, and the first time I was able to come out and express it wholeheartedly and clearly.
I used to be half assed about it but. Damn this didnt even require mental effort to write it just all came flowing like a river 😆 but this is a blunt one.
no sugar.
Why I didn't do this before had to do with so much drama and misunderstandings that never ended between the two of us.
Here are my thoughts about it. I've pondered for days searching for answers but failed to do so until I searched within myself which really made me really realize my true innermost feelings and thoughts without any biases, confusion and heavy emotions. Despite of seeking answers in the wrong places. I wish I had listened to my inner voices earlier and didn't overthink too much. Aside from that I have learned a bit more and much more afterwards. Guess people really learn but the progress might be slow.
Now true for everyone but I mean in my case.
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So here it is
Post-breakup thoughts
Im sorry If I havent really fully trusted you Sorry If I cant trust you in things that had given me so much to worry about which had nothing to do with you but it was my anxiety, and I can't help it Im sorry if I cant believe whatever you tell me, sorry if I felt like I couldn't take time to think before I say something or do
I became mentally paralyzed and depressed as I felt like you invalidated my feelings for a long time but maybe we just don't get each other and we have different values and things we wanted just doesn't fit and we weren't really on the same page and its okay cause everyone is different and its okay to be different, I mean I wish you knew how frustrating it felt when I find myself to believe on what you believe.
But I know we tried to work things out.. uhh and thats what relationship is all about. Right?
Sorry if i couldn't make efforts to be more reliable as a partner that you wanted me to be But I never really wanted to feel things this way because I'm just scared of everything that I see in our relationship, I'm scared that things in the past might happen again at our time.
But by simply thinking about it just ruin everything but I realized that my thoughts were to blame for it.
I acted so badly and had treated you so badly.
I just know deep down that I'm scared of losing my happiness that I found in you,I fell so hard, deeply and profoundly.
I wasn't lonely when we met but I just realized that I just wanted to be with you and thats all and I wished I had done things right but Im just losing my mind and self-control which frustrated me.
I just can't be the one for you I guess because of the way I see relationships and it scares me.
I'm just not ready for commitments and everything I do just doesn't make sense when Im in a relationship, but I don't know if I can say atleast I tried because I haven't really done so much.
I just wanted to say I'm really sorry If this all happened.
I mean not that I made a lot of mistakes but learned the hard way that it takes a lot of courage to own up to things.
Im aware of all of this. I really didn't want to say goodbye, I really didn't want to go on and move forward, I was really happy even things weren't good but It was one of the best and I think about each times as just as neutral as it is cause I don't really regret letting you be a part of my life but anyway despite all of that, I know you did so much for me and had given me hope, and it hurts because holding on to us has hurt me more than ever and I am really upset that it had to end this way and I agree that its really painful and It hurts to hold on while we're still together thinking of the worst.
It feels like everything has fallen apart between us and everything went downhill and I'm just at the same time grateful because I needed to feel all of this to come to this point and I'm finally free at last. And thats what I where I want to be despite wishing that things were different or could be but It is what it is.
I've never written anything like this before throughout the relationship. I always thought I'd never end up writing something at all because for all the times we spent, I was just totally confused and things were never clear on my side.
It just felt as if I couldn't really express how I feel either and it seemed like this was the first time in our whole relationship that I did. But I'm not sure why right now that I could. Now I can think rightly.
Soooo yes .. All I can say is that... Well, uh I can clearly think and say what I want without second-guessing my words and thoughts which I really struggled when we were still in a relationship. I didn't really lose myself in the relationship, RATHER I found myself and knew myself better lol if thats the cause well I used to fear losing myself but thats old news.Atleast now I better know what I want and need. I just opened my eyes completely to what it was, than what I thought it was nothing to be upset or anything.
I'm such a fool to fall for my doubts. What I used to long for, no longer was to long about.
I didn't ever want to ever position myself into this place but this is necessary like its just meant to happen.
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theskyexists · 2 years ago
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FLAMES! FLAMES!!!!! ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE!!!!!
okdamn yeah that went completely differently than i extrapolated instantly which i knew ofc
how does ‘not involving suletta’ translate to taking aerial away from her
SULETTA LOOKS SO HAPPY TALKING ABOUT THEM GETTING MARRIED OH MY GODDDD!!!!!! thats kind of different from how i imagined things would go!!! i mean not very different but damnnnnn SHES OPENLY LIKE; WE’RE GETTING MARRIED :D :D :D
she wants to see miorine bc she knows she said something that’s....OFF
BUT FUCKING ELAN SHOWS UP
the lesson guel drew from all of that was: i want to rebuild the killer-machine company that my dad built. i mean...understandable? but he really has not used a single shred of his experience to think about wider social implications. so hes taking over as president - but - he’s re-enrolling? what.
‘but now i can move forward, you taught me how’ HUUUUUHHHH? he lost everything because he lost to Suletta. She gave him one lil phrase and praised his fighting (he was jealous of her ‘good parent’ and he became infatuated) then he ran away to work as a prole and he killed his dad. he was kidnapped, held hostage, a poor earthian girl died in his arms due to a benerit group attack. and he learned to ‘move forward’ BECAUSE OF SULETTA???????????? ah he actually fell in love with her. lol. i guess she....was a beacon to him maybe? never got any sense she was
WOW SULETTA IS LIKE WOWWWWWWW. BUT SHE HAS SOMEONE WHO IS PRECIOUS TO HER. WHAT. THEY ARE GOING EXTREMELY MAINTEXT.
why is Miorine going along with Prospera’s bargain. she’s dumber than i thought.....
WHAT THE FUCK. why go in for jeturk as an ally when its become such a shit company??
‘reclaim your bride from suletta’ JFC. (very sexy way of saying it) and she didnt even tell suletta. she doesnt trust her at alll. she really is manouvering to take aerial away from suletta?????? without her knowledge or consent. without explaining herself??? this is so shit lol.
surely prospera didn’t want to lose aerial to jeturk????
wow miorine is the worst. she really looked at suletta and thought: i love you but you’re so god! DAMN! DUMB! im gonna manipulate you as hard as your mother ever manipulated you.
shes being so stupid. and guel should have said much louder: there are no worlds without gundams. (you’re being an idiot.)
GUEL CLAIMS TO LOVE SULETTA BUT GOES ALONG WITH MIORINE’S PLAN OF RUINING SULETTA’S LIFE HOLY SHIT
so iguess it really is prospera’s plan almost entirely. get a Big House ally through the marriage game. Not sure how that will help Miorine become president though when Jeturk is in the shitter
isnt guel scared hes gonna get a big ptsd moment right now. i wrote this just before he had a big ptsd moment
OH MY GOD. this is exactly the thing i was like - gunning for - because SULETTA NEVER GOT TO HEAR MIORINE SAY: I WILL STAY BY YOUR SIDE FOREVER IN RESPONSE
wow suletta actually fell in love. and she ACTUALLY PROPOSED DURING A DUEL AND WAS STABBED IN THE FUCKING BACK!!!!!!!!!! WOW FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!
I must conclude that prospera does not AT ALL care about Suletta. it’s settled. All she cares about is seeing glimpses of eri through her helmet.
ok so i guess prospera inferred correctly that miorine wanted to remove suletta from dueling, gundams and battle entirely. miorine correctly inferred that aerial is the link that allows prospera to control her most directly. the ‘thing’ that made suletta into a killer. But she’s so damn naive to think she can somehow cut suletta out of the whole game. that prospera would ever keep her word. that this would ever turn out well. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!! THIS FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT TO THROTTLE MIORINE
NOT JUST THAT. BUT SHE MADE IT SEEM LIKE SULETTA FAILED HER!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR BEING THIS DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I THOUGHT SHE WAS SMARTER!!!!!!!!!!
but shes just a sixteen year old princess after all.
she admits to it immediately. now dont fucking lie
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. SHE LIES!!!!!!!!!!! SHE LIES!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING IDIOT GIRL!!!! WHERE DOES SHE THINK SULETTA IS GONNA GO??????????? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE CHARACTERS THAT GO: oh i love you so much so i’ll just decide FOR YOU to ‘protect’ you and not tell you about it at all - sacrifice myself to the power game and chase you away.
shes repeating not just prospera but also her DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she responded so intelligently to prospera - i thought she’d be smarter
GUEL AND MIORINE ARE BOTH COMPLETE PSYCHOPATHS. THEY CLAIM TO LOVE SULETTA THEN TAKE EVERYTHING LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE THING AWAY FROM HER. FUCK THIS!!!! FUCK !!! THIS!!!!!!
i hate plots like this, because i find it so hard to forgive the characters that do this. i find it so nearly impossible. i hope she fucking dies. throw the whole girl in the fucking furnace. fuck off. stupid ass shit rich idiot dumb scumbag
how will the fix this? how will they fucking fix this???? when she repeats exactly the fears that suletta had implanted by elan?? how the FUCK are they going to fix this im so goddamn fucking angry. i thought it was going to GRUESOME. this isn’t gruesome it’s INFURIATING
DID MIORINE REALLY SAY: i sabotaged you, because i didnt want you, and also you cant help me now byeeeeee
suletta....is gonna go back to prospera? she has no one else? what the fuck
what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why would she play it like this? why? i just.....what kind of stupid ass fucking bullshit is this. WHAT THE FUCK I HATE PLOTS LIKE THIS I HATE THE WRITERS I HATE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH
what stupid ass grown-up would vote for a 17-year-old as president ANYWAY??????
Guel and Miorine really listening to this shit. aren’t the rules that hes holder and can’t refuse?
I hope they die, i hope they both die. I hope they suffer. i know guel suffered and i was like: oh poor poor kid. oh no. and now he’s doing to suletta exactly the same thing: making her lose everything.
Miorine is doing to her what Prospera does AND what Delling did to her. Cycles of abuse or whatever.
they wrote this purely for the stupid nonsensical heartbreak. really? you’re telling me miorine thought: you know what - prospera is too fierce an enemy - instead, i will tear suletta’s heart apart just to have her.............? land in prospera’s arms again?
she’s an idiot.
I can’t even...i can’t even think of a single thing they could do to miorine that would soothe my heart. to publicly, in front of all their fucking friends, and the whole world , to tell her these things, absolutely destroy everything they had and tell her to fuck off and nothing was ever real when she was PROPOSING. i cant think of anything nothing like nothing. i cannot see how i could ever forgive her. its ironic i read a fanfic in which suletta does something similar (not as bad) to miorine by forfeiting. and i was so upset i was like: they talked about it i guess but my heart is not soothed.
i cannot fathom how my heart could be soothed in this canon case
SO IRONIC THAT I WROTE THE OPPOSITE TO THIS. THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE. THAT I REALLY THOUGHT MIORINE WAS SMARTER THAN THIS
Why the fuck is miorine being so cruel? i hope she dies. i hope earth house tells her to fuck off. i hope she cries alone in her bed every day. i hope she realises she made a huge mistake. i hope she understands she lost her greatest ally and friend. i hope she gets that she did the wrong thing in every respect - morally, strategically, interrelationally. I hope she suffers - not unrelated suffering. not unrelated fucking lessons like guel somehow learned - stupid ass prince shithead he remains. I hope she gets that prospera wont keep her fucking word. i hope she understands that she did to suletta what her father did to her. I hope she has to go crawling through the desert for miles. but what good is all that gonna do Suletta? Huh?
i am so upset lol. i am so upset. not even for the backstabbing - though thats so fucking bad. but for the lying. you’ve already taken everything - just TELL HER YOU WANT TO KEEP HER SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW HARD IS IT. WHY WOULD YOU DO IT THIS WAY. I WANT TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant get through more of these last few seconds without pausing every few seconds.
THE LITTLE SCREAM
I WANT TO SCREAM TOO!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!
thank you ending song for screaming for me.
ok that last shot - that last shot of Miorine saying: “goodbye, my mercurian country bumpkin”.... that made it kind of emotionally sexy instead of purely deeply painful. she became genuinely evil. thats just a little bit soothing.
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